Page 13 of Not Catching Love

A harness and cage dancing. Hopefully, a hookup.

What else are birthdays for?

Chapter Five

Xander

“This is going to be great,” I say for the umpteenth time, sandwiched in between Seven, Molly, and Madden. I’m holding on to Seven while he holds on to the bus handle overhead, and while I’m glad he’s taking one for the team, I’m going to have to monitor him for E. coli or a staph infection. This man never takes his damn health seriously.

Molly pokes me in the cheek. “What’s going to be so great about it?”

“Well, Madden’s excited, so I’m excited. Hey, maybe tonight, I’ll even find someone to hook up with. Finally. I can’t wait.” I think I’m convincing? No one questions me on it, at least. The last time I forced myself to go home with someone, I had to fake a panic attack to get out of there. All I know is the thought ofdoingthings with him made my skin crawl. That’s not supposed to happen. I’m supposed to want sex. I’msupposed to be sexually active and a total deviant and be all nom nom for the cock.

I don’t think I’m doing the right kind of gagging over it.

When I think of sex, I think of cuddles and neediness and being close to the other person. Snuggling with some random I’ve met on the dance floor sends my brain into overdrive, questioning when he showered last, if he brushes his teeth properly, and if he’s had sex in his bed since he last washed the sheets.

I run my eyes over my friends. I’ve seen Madden naked enough to know that I’m not attracted to him, but letting him touch me? I think that would be okay. Seven? I shudder. We might not be blood related, but he’s my actual brother, as far as I’m concerned. Molly? He’s sweet and sunshiny, and I love him with my whole heart. I could maybe have sex with Molly.

I wouldn’t because I understandsomeboundaries, but thinking in an objective, could I actually go through with it way, I maybe could.

Possibly.

But a nameless, faceless stranger?

It’s like a dark, sludgy feeling creeping over my skin.

The bus pulls up to our stop, and I climb off with my friends. The club is loud with a short line out the front, and thankfully, it isn’t cold enough yet to deter all the mesh shirts and booty shorts.

Booty shorts like I’m wearing now.

While I follow the others toward the queue, I sneakily make sure that my outfit is perfect. The vest is snug, my shorts are high, and my over-the-knee socks are perfectly aligned. My chest tightens at not being able to check my hair and makeup in this lighting, and I’m trying to ignore the chipped nail polish on my thumb. If I think about it too deeply, I’ll never walk into the club. I did everything I could to look perfect, and I’m not perfect and?—

“Z?”

I hurry to catch up to Seven and give him my best “I’m fine and happy” smile. He doesn’t need to know that every day, I regret not making him tattoo on my eyeliner. I also want more freckles, but I’m too scared of him getting annoyed with me to bring it up. Last time we talked cosmetic tattoos, he got angry—something he never would have done before. It’s all therapy’s fault, I’m sure of it. So now, I have no choice but to keep these self-conscious thoughts to myself in order to keep Seven and Molly to myself too.

We get inside the club, where it’s immediately a good ten degrees warmer, and follow the hall down to the main area. It’s late, so it’s already jammed full of people, and I look around in awe.

I’ve never been here before, but Madden suddenly decided an hour ago that we needed to get our butts down here immediately. It didn’t give me anywhere near enough time to get ready, but here I am, dressed sweetly, in a sea of horny men.

There aren’t only men here, of course, but that’s what it feels like. Like I’ve stepped into a sea of expectations I’m not ready for, and the sharks are circling. Judging. Inspecting. Trying to determine if I’m worth their time. As much as I’m not interested in any of them, being rejected guts me, so to distract myself, I turn to Molly. “Look at all the hot guys here tonight. I’m totally going to find my Daddy.”

Molly laughs. “Anyone standing out to you?”

“Not really?—”

“What about him?” Madden shouts into my ear, long arm appearing over my shoulder as he points across the room. On the back wall are all these raised platforms at different heights, topped with shiny gold cages that have people dancing inside.

I inspect the one he’s pointing at, but it’s not until the man turns around that I realize why we’re here.

“D … d … d …”

“Derek?” Seven finishes for me.

“Here,” I choke out.

“Dancing,” Molly teases, nudging me with his bony elbow. I’m too transfixed to bat him away.

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