Page 113 of Not Catching Love

You don’t deserve him.

That fucking voice. I grit my teeth and push it back, refusing to let it in. I know it will win sometimes, but if Derek is keeping his end of the promise, then I’m sure as hell going to do the same.

I can’t even imagine Molly and Seven with kids. Sure, I hate kids in general because I never got that chance to be one, buttheirchildren? Little Molly and Sevens? Getting to be Uncle Xander?

Wow. Okay. This is a lot.

I slowly pull back so I can see him. “You think I’m incredible.”

“Yeah.”

I shake my head. “No, I mean … you think that, when you’re the one out here doing all this. I know I’m not great with telling you how I feel all the time, but I want you to know … how much … that this means …”

He gives me hisshut upkiss. “I know, bug. We might have had a slow start, but it wasn’t slow for me. My feelings were always there, and I used all our time together to learn everything I could about you. I know how you squint at your work when you’re getting frustrated. And I know how you lean into me when I touch you. I know that loud music makes you happy, and being alone for too long sends you into a spiral. I know that you try to be tough and strong because it’s all you’ve ever learned to be, but I also know how much you hate it. It exhausts you to have to pretend all the time. This is going to be your home, where you can be soft and stop fighting. We’ll get you a puppy for while I’m at work during the day, and maybe one day, you’ll come and volunteer with me. Teach art to kids in other countries, like you taught it at the nursing home.”

That actually doesn’t sound completely horrible. “Only with less swearing.”

“True.”

“And wherever we go, it needs to have a great health care system.”

“Of course.” Derek almost laughs. “And the other thing I know about you? You’re not Xander without Seven.”

I shift, not able to meet his eyes. “Does that … it doesn’t bother you, does it?”

“Nope. Maybe if I’d never met you two like I did, it might have. Maybe if I’d never seen everything you two have been through. I don’t know. But Molly and I have been talking a lot. Me and Seven too. The way you all support each other is beyond words, and I’m so looking forward to being part of that.”

I reach up to stroke his beard. He’s tidied it up and gotten a haircut, but it’s still a lot longer than I’m used to. Who knows? I might have a sexy mountain man on my hands. At the end of the day, I don’t give a fuck how Derek looks, as long as I can always see the kind eyes I fell in love with. “Looking forward to it? Derry, you already are.”

There’s a reason Seven and Molly are always texting him. There’s a reason why I can’t get enough. He’s the stability we need in our lives, and he’s everything else I need as well.

It’s a relief to know that I don’t have to be strong anymore.

But I’ll choose to be because Derek deserves to be loved the way he loves me.

I’m going to spend my life doing exactly that.

Epilogue

Xander

Bertha really was something special. The place I called home, where I built myself a family, where I finally felt safe for the first time in my life.

It’s gone forever now.

I’m trying not to panic. Surprisingly, that’s a lot easier to do when I look around at the property, at all our friends and family here for our housewarming, at the two small houses nestled side by side with a door between them for internal access between the two.

My forever home.

With my forever man. The one I’ll propose to tonight when everyone leaves. The one who I know will say yes.

The past two years have been amazing. Derek and I have figured out how to be together without my anxiety getting in the way and without me relying on him for every episode. He’slearned the difference between being a supportive partner and a carer. I’m still a work in progress, and he is too, and I think that’s part of what makes us work so well together. We talk. We assess. We communicate what we need. It hurts sometimes, when he voices things I’ve done that make him upset, and it would be so easy for me to go back to that place where I beat myself up over everything. I’m getting better. The medication is going strong. And Sherwin actually made me laugh the other day.

The last volunteer trip Derek went on, I made it the entire six weeks without a single panic attack, and there wasn’t a single moment where I didn’t think he was coming back.

Arms wrap around me from behind, making me jump as Molly’s soft laugh tickles my ear.

“Can you believe the houses are finally done?”

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