Page 105 of Not Catching Love

“So …” I’m scared to bring up real talk and break this cute little bubble, but I need to know. “We’re official?”

“Yup.”

“And that means …”

“Whatever we want it to mean. Mostly that I’m not holding back, that we don’t need to hide … I probably won’t be posting our relationship all over social media just yet, because I’m not an idiot, but if we go places, I want to hold your hand. I want sleepovers and sex and for you to know that you’re loved. Completely.”

I sigh—half swoon and half uh-oh. “I hope you know that I’m not capable of being as sweet as you. If you’re going to be saying things like that, you’re going to be well above my level.”

His smile doesn’t dim. “I know who you are, Xander. You’re not going to scare me away.”

“What if I get really clingy and needy? What if I have five panic attacks every day? What if I lash out at you and be an asshole because I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how else to handle it?”

“Then I’ll feel grateful that I’m your safe space and be clear about setting any boundaries I need to.” He strokes my hair. “But you need to be okay with me saying I don’t like something without assuming it means I want to leave you. Does that make sense?”

“I don’t know if my brain works that way.”

“I know it will be hard to believe initially, but I need to know that you’ll try. I need to feel safe in voicing my concerns without you taking it as a personal attack, otherwise, this won’t work.”

Even him hinting there’s something that could end us makes my throat want to close up. But this is what he means. Trusting he’d come back to me after Cambodia was the hardest thing I’d ever had to face, but this might be worse. Because this is real now, and we’re going to have to face each other every day. I’m not going to be able to hide all my sharp edges from him.

“If I promise to try and be mature about this, can you promise to not assume that I know what I’m doing or how to be the perfect boyfriend? I’m going to fuck up, and I’ll probably push you away. It’s not because I want to, but it’s the only thing I’ve ever known.”

“The fact you’re having this conversation at all shows me how much you’re trying. My hard limits are abuse and cheating. I’m here to work through everything else.”

I snuggle closer. “Then so am I.”

I wake up to voices,and it takes me a moment to realize I must have fallen back asleep. Derek’s bed has the faint scent of fabric detergent but now mostly just smells like the sex we had last night.

It was good fucking sex.

His hands and mouth on me is my favorite thing in the world.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

I shake Seven’s voice out of my head. I hate that my inner demon sounds like him—like it’s more convincing coming fromthe voice of the person I trust most—but I’m determined to fight it. I won’t always win, but trying is more than I’ve ever done before.

Instead of letting my thoughts go dark, I climb out of bed and look around for clothes. Given the unfamiliar voice coming from the living area, it’s not like I can walk out there naked.

I find my shorts and then pull on the football T-shirt Derek wore the day I went to watch him with his friends. It reaches my thighs, so I figure that’s covered up enough.

“Look who’s awake,” Derek says cheerfully when I leave his room.

Manny is sitting at the table with a coffee, and I’m assuming by the lack of surprise on his face that Derek already told him I’m here.

We really are boyfriends.

“Hi,” I say nervously as I join Derek in the kitchen.

He presses a kiss to my head and turns the coffee machine back on.

Manny holds up his hands as I eye him. “Sorry to burst your little boyfriend bubble, but it’s been four months. I had to visit my boy.”

“Good thing you didn’t come last night.” I join him at the table.

“Yeah, I’m not dumb. There’s no way I was walking in on that.”

I tilt my head. “You knew we were together yesterday?”

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