Page 84 of Not Catching Love

“I thought that was fucking obvious, but I guess I have to say it. No, we’re not having sex or officially in a relationship, and I hate it too. But we need this time to get to know each other outside of a medical context, and I’m so glad that we’re doing that. I’ve learned so much I didn’t know about you, and the more I learn, the more I fall for you. I’m not playing games. There’s no one else for me, and I’m happy to wait out all the time we need to for us to be able to start this thing right. If you are.”

“But I’m a mess,” he whispers, and from the corner of my eye, I see Seven’s jaw clench.

“That’s a lie, and you’re the only one who believes it. For months now, we’ve spent most of our free time together, and there hasn’t been a single time I’ve thought that.”

He scoffs. “That’s because I hide it from you. My panicattacks are getting worse. I had the most fucked-up one in my shrink’s office, and that’s right after having one the night before. I’m not getting better.”

Maybe that’s his problem. Maybe he’s too busy looking at himself like he’s something to fix instead of looking at himself as a perfectly normal person who these things happen to. It’s not on me to adjust his whole perception of himself, and I’m glad he’s seeing someone who can help, but the fact remains that Xander might never change. He might not want to. Maybe hating himself is his comfort blanket, and it’s on me to decide if I can spend my life with him exactly as he is.

“Your panic attacks aren’t you,” I finally say. And it’s that, more than anything, that makes me grateful we’re taking our time. I’d cared about him for so long, but I only cared about the side I saw. The side that swung between his not-give-a-fuck attitude and that deep vulnerability he didn’t always have the strength to fight.

Xander is so much more than that person.

I’m not going to be gentle with him anymore.

“Here’s the thing. I’ve made my choice. I can’t offer you anything official, but that doesn’t mean I’m not solely committed to seeing where this goes. I’ve seen you during your most vulnerable moments. I refuse to be your carerandyour boyfriend, but I know what I’m signing up for. I know everything about you. Your past, your fears, how you can’t always control the things your mind does. I also know about how fucking talented you are. How good. How you still want to see the best in people, even if you need them to prove it to you before you’ll let yourself trust it. We’re both coming into this relationship with baggage, and if mine is too much for you, then that’s fair. It’s a call you have to make. Not now, but soon. Because I’m also willing to wait for my person.”

Xander’s lips part, and I hate that he’s still eyeing me like he’s not sure whether to believe me or not.

So instead of pushing further, I lean in, press a hard kiss to his lips, and before I leave, I meet his gaze and say, “And for what it’s worth, you have the most beautiful fucking eyes I’ve ever seen.”

I’m out of Seven’s room before any of them can say anything because while it sort of kills me that Xander didn’t immediately jump into my arms and tell me another year of all this is worth it, I also know it has nothing to do with me. He needs to figure out where his head is at, and that’s fine.

It’s okay.

I’m just going to be nervous as fuck while I wait for him to figure out what he wants.

I linger in the hall for a moment, wondering if he’ll follow, but when the door to the bedroom opens again, it isn’t Xander coming after me. It’s Seven.

Hey, maybe this time, hewillpunch me in the face.

His footsteps slow when he sees me, and when he’s only a few feet away, he collapses against the wall.

His tattooed hands cover his face, and seeing a big man like Seven fold into himself is something I’ve never witnessed before.

“I love Xander. So, so much.”

After everything Xander’s told me, I don’t doubt it. “I know.”

“Basically, since we met. I don’t know if he’s told you this, but we were in the same foster home. I’d hear him crying every night, and it used to kill me. But I … I have a lot of issues. Don’t trust people. Can’t talk to people. I kept an eye on him, but it was a few weeks before I ever said a word.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him sometimes I can’t sleep too.” Seven drags his hands back, and his eyes are all shiny. “He started sneaking into my room every night, sitting right at my door, and he’d fall asleep on the floor. He didn’t leave my side during the day.Didn’t say much, and neither did I. I don’t really remember what changed, but one night, he was crying, and I got the urge to hug him, so I did. It was the first time I’d touched someone in years. I think we both needed that hug.”

“You probably did.”

Seven swallows loudly and looks over at me. “But it’s been really fucking hard loving him alone.”

It suddenly occurs to me that I’ve never heard Seven swear before. I’ve also never thought to ask him if he’s okay. I’ve always seen him as this strong, capable force.

Tears spill onto his cheeks, and it makes me realize that Ireallyshould have asked. “I’d do anything for Xander, and I’d defend that man to death, but it’s … it’s a lot. He won’t help himself, so I’ve been doing it solo for so long. Then I found Molly. That guy’s the strongest man I know. He takes so much of mine and Xander’s crap on, and it all bounces right off him. I think he saved me. Like Xander did once. And now …” He scrubs at his face. “I don’t know what’s going to happen between you both, but I know you get it. I know that you know exactly what you’re signing up for, and damn, I hope he lets you because, well, I thinkIneed him to.”

I’m the one to pull Seven into a hug this time, and I second-guess whether I should for a moment before his arms fold around me. “Everything he’s told me, I … he might have saved you, but I know you saved him too. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.”

He pulls away, and he slumps back against the wall like his energy has deserted him and left him limp.

“I’ll never not be there for him,” Seven says. “But since you’ve been hanging out, I think it’s the first time in my life that I’ve slept okay.”

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