Page 37 of Not Catching Love

I don’t trust myself not to abuse the privilege.

Five minutes before I’m due to wrap things up, he strides straight past the door. My gut almost shoots out of my mouth in excitement, and I dart out into the hall, calling out his name to catch him before he can turn the corner.

He stops but doesn’t turn around.

“Running late today,” I tease.

“Yeah.” He still doesn’t glance back. “I’ve got to get going.”

“I’ll come help.”

“No.” Finally, Derek looks back over his shoulder, and evenwith the length of the hallway between us, I can tell there’s none of his usual warmth there. “I’ve got this. You focus on your class, and I’ll focus on mine.”

“You …” My throat is closing over. “You don’t want me … to … to …”

Something in his expression shifts, and he paces back toward me. “I’m sorry, but I have to focus on the residents. They’re who I’m here for. Thank you for teaching me that I’m a terrible painter. Now, I’ll leave it for the masters.” He goes to reach for me but stops. “I’m here for you if you need me, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to be friends.”

For maybe the first time in my life, I’m stunned stupid. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I’ve forgotten what words are. The sparky little gremlin wants to rage at him. Wants to swear and stomp and tell him he was a shitty friend anyway, but for the first time ever, there’s something more powerful holding it back. The sadness wraps around my chest and renders me silent.

I stand there, and he stands there, and after a moment of soul-searching eye contact, he swallows thickly and walks away. Like everyone always does.

You’d think I’d be used to it by now.

I’m not.

Chapter Fourteen

Derek

It’s official. I’m a fucking asshole. The best thing for me to do is go set up a tent on Manny’s property and fuck the hell off out of Seattle. Quit my job, quit volunteering, just remove myself completely from Xander’s life.

Iknowit’s the right thing to do.

Then I remember the look on his face, how helpless he’d seemed, and I want to take it all back. I could easily find his address in our system and head over there. Apologize. Give him the hard truth that I’m a worthless fucking man who’s growing feelings for him that I really fucking shouldn’t be. That I’m not worth whatever it is he sees in me.

And then where would we end up?

Nowhere fucking good is the only answer I have for that.

My frustration is brimming over, making me desperate to lose myself in the wrong end of a bottle, staring down at my hands in my steadily darkening living room. Xander deservesthe goddamn world, and after how easily I blurred my professional boundaries, I’m not the guy to give it to him. He won’t let me talk to him about therapy. His roommates won’t push him toward it.

It … it feels like we’re giving up on him. But how the hell else are we supposed to react when he gave up on himself a long time ago?

Even after the hardest moment of my life, he still owns me. Otherwise, I’d be pass-out-drunk by now.

Dancing with him, seeing hope in his eyes for the first time ever, it scared the hell out of me. I can’t be Xander’s hope. It’s way too much pressure to put on one person. Then, add in that I’m the one he turns to during his panic attacks, and it’s a relationship made in toxic heaven.

As much as I’m feeling for him, it’s not something I’d ever want for myself.

It wouldn’t take much to tip me over that point though.

The blast of my ringtone fills the small, dark room. I don’t need to look to know who it is. I’ve been waiting for this call, trying to convince myself that I won’t take it.

With a sigh, I reach over and answer it anyway.

“Yeah?”

“Xander’s on his way,” Susan snaps with clear disgust in her voice.

---