Page 27 of Not Catching Love

“This is it,” he says. “It goes alllll the way down to that border fence. The wire one?”

I squint to see what he’s talking about. “It’s a lot.”

“Yeah, and with work and wanting more kids, I don’t have the time to look after it all.”

“You’ll have no issues selling it.”

“I know.” He plants his hands on his hips and turns to me. “But I don’t want to sell it to any old stranger.”

“You’ve said.”

It’s sort of perfect. Big, open, plenty of space for bees. The drive to and from work each day wouldn’t be ideal, but it’s not terrible. The land itself will probably fetch a decent price for Manny, but I’d have enough for the down payment. I could easily make this work. What I’m not expecting is how much I want it.

I can see myself here. With a real home. A memory of those endless summers, kicking at grass, getting sunburned, sweat and bruises marring my skin from too much football. It’s quiet.Me. I hadn’t realized how busy my brain had gotten until now. I’m standing here, and everything around us has stopped, taking me back to a time when I could breathe.

“What do you think?” he asks.

“It’s incredible.”

“Told youuuu.”

“Yeah, yeah, get all smug. Doesn’t mean I can take it.”

Manny lets out a frustrated groan. “Come on, man. You’re renting, and you can get to your job easily enough. There’s nothing in the city holding you back.”

Nothing except for Xander, who I can’t walk away from. For someone so outwardly full of confidence, he has a lot of self-doubt. I hated the way he was talking about himself theother day, and I want to be able to help him with that too. I can’t and won’t. But I still want to. “I have my bugs,” I finally say.

“Do you hear yourself when you say that?”

“What? I only just got the formicarium set up, and now you want me to move it?”

Manny makes a noise in his throat. “Be real. It’ll be a while before this place is ready to build on and even longer before it’s ready to live on. Is it me? Am I the problem? Would living here be too close?”

“No way.” I won’t tell him and let it go to his head, but living near Manny is a selling point. He and Hannah never fail to make me feel welcome and like part of the family, which would happen even more if I lived out there.

“Then …” He kicks at some loose rock and sets his hands on his hips. “Sorry, I don’t get it. Seattle’s depressing you. You moved there, and I’ve had to watch you slowly become a hermit man.”

“I’m not depressed. That’s a serious illness. I’m …” Frustrated? Antsy? Resentful? “Stuck.”

“Stuck?”

Shit. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. “It’s a long story,” I hedge. “Nothing all that exciting, but for the foreseeable future, I’m not leaving Seattle.” I give the site one more longing look, then picture going home to my two-bedroom, right on the road, overshadowed by the two houses it’s squashed between.

Before that image can get me down too much, I force myself to picture Xander. The sweet, fleeting smile, his shrewd eyes, and the defiance he wears like armor. To imagine never seeing him again.

I’m a selfish, selfish man. Obviously, seeing him again is bad if it means he’s sick. But … I think back to how he looked at the nursing home. A bright pop of color in the white halls. Big, pretty eyes. A little flirty. Holding himself more defensively than I’m used to seeing him, though I prefer that over him looking drained.

And he said—well, he didn’t say helikedthe class, but he sort of implied it. So if he enjoyed volunteering there, would he do it again? Will I see him next week? I shouldn’t want to, but I fucking do. He’s like a brightly colored bug, reminding me he’s dangerous. If I had any kind of survival instincts, that would be enough to make me stay clear, but I’m like a fucking fly to his bright light.

So wildly, inappropriately attracted. Especially after the other day.

“Derek …”

I blink back to the now. I’d almost forgotten Manny was with me.

He clears his throat. “I’m here if you need anything. Right?”

I sling my arm around his shoulders, wanting to reassure him. The Xander part of my life might be a mess, but otherwise, I have no complaints. “I know. You’re the fucking greatest, and I really appreciate you showing this to me first. You have no idea how much I want to say yes?—”

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