Page 80 of Just Bromantically Invested

“No, but …” Madden takes my hand and links his fingers through mine. “It’s the change part. We’ve known each other as friends for a long time. The longest time. I know who you are, and you know who I am.”

“Right.”

“You also know that …” He looks away, playing with my finger and obviously torn over what to say. “I’m, well, me. I’ll lecture you about your carbon footprint and check you’re getting enough vitamins. I’ll bug you about working out or doing yoga and making sure you’re getting enough sun each day.”

I’m torn between laughing and getting worried Alzheimer’s has kicked in. “Why are you telling me all this? I know that. You’ll bug me over yoga, and I’ll constantly say no. None of this is news to us.”

“It’s also not news to you that I’m a nudist.” He meets my eyes so suddenly I don’t respond at first.

“I know that.”

“And you know that while I might not be comfortable going out without clothes right now, that’s something I’ll work up to. I’d be happy not to own a single item of clothing at all.”

These are all things Madden has talked about before, but he’s never put it out there so plainly.

“With Peach Acres … that’ll make it easier.”

“Yes …” he says carefully. “But I’m not only talking about Peach Acres. When I was figuring out where I wanted to end up after college, one of the things I specifically looked for is places that I could be myself. That was focused on being gay, but it’s the same with this. Down the street, at the beach—and not only ones that cater for people like me. I’m a gay man, and I’m a nudist—there aren’t many places where I fit, Penn. And I want to fit.”

Growing up with a Black dad and a white mom meant that I never felt enough of either, so I know how it feels not to fit. Madden has never made me feel anything less than perfect, and I hate that he has similar insecurities because he’ll always fit with me. It’s why I made sure I was clear when I moved inhere that he’s always welcome, exactly as he is. It’s something he’s worked hard for at Bertha as well.

Even so, thinking of Madden walking around downtown Seattle without clothes is … something I can’t wrap my head around.

“You know I’ll support you.” I don’t know how to feel about it all, but because I can understand that longing to be yourself, I set my feelings aside. Madden’s are the ones that are important. If that’s something he wants, it doesn’t matter how awkward and embarrassing I find it. I’ll deal.

“You will?”

I hate that he sounds surprised. “Of course. You’re the best person I know, and you deserve to be happy.”

“You make me happy. So happy.”

Well, at least I know I’m doing that right.

“And it won’t make you feel … weird? That I’ll be around other people? That they’ll see me naked?”

I’m immediately about to reassure him, but then I get a flash of him and Damien sitting around naked together, just the two of them, and something turns in my gut. “What do you mean?”

“Like … if I hang out with people, or work with them, or …”

“Damien?”

“While we’re working, it’s a strictly clothed environment.”

I don’t miss the frustration in his voice. “But you don’t want it to be?”

“Of course not.” He inhales slowly. “I know it sounds stupid, but it’s like forcing myself into a box. It goes against what we’re actually working toward, and honestly, it makes me uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable? To wear clothes?”

He nods, blond hair framing his face and making his eyes look even more vulnerable. “It’s not at all the same thing aswhen I was gay and scared to come out, but it brings me back to that time. To hiding who I am. To forcing myself to fit in with people and feeling shame that I’m different.”

“I didn’t know.”

He shrugs. “I don’t talk about it much.”

“Right …”

“I need to know it won’t be an issue with us. That later down the line, you won’t turn around like Damien’s ex did to him and be all ‘actually, things have changed,’ you know?”

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