Page 16 of Just Bromantically Invested

“Okay, ready to go?” I ask, cutting through the awkwardness. I don’t do well with confrontation, so I head it off before it can get a foothold. As we leave, I throw Madden a look to get his shit together before I close the door behind me. He can let himself out when he’s ready.

Lana and I walk side by side to the elevator and step in, still without a word. Great. This breakfast is going to be a fucking disaster, and whether I do or don’t want to try dating, it won’t matter because she’ll never want to see me again anyway.

“Thanks for doing this,” she says after a too-long silence. “I know it’s all very awkward, and I’m making it even more awkward by saying how awkward it is …” Her hands don’t stop moving as she talks. “Maybe we should have an icebreaker fact or something. A random tidbit. Something to make this whole thing not so fucking tense.”

I speak without thinking. “Your whole personality is an icebreaker.”

“Oh my god.” She covers her face with both hands, but I can make out the smile underneath them. “I’m a talker. Not that I enjoy talking. Like I get nervous, and then words keep coming out.” She forces a laugh, and it’s more a reaction to cut herself off than something natural.

“Good to know. I’m clearly not a talker. That’s all Madden, and actually, you probably should have gotten coffee with him over me. But I will promise to try.”

“Okay.” She shoots me a sly look. “Madden didn’t look like he’d want to go anywhere with me though.”

I can understand why she’d have that impression when he was being so standoffish. “Nah, he’s actually super friendly. I think something’s crawled up his ass this morning because he’s been weirdly over-the-top. Out of the two of us, he’s the one who has a lot of friends, and I have … well, let’s just say I need coffee to go well, and then maybe I’ll have one.”

She tilts her head. “Are we both no-friend losers?”

“Sounds like it.”

“Huh. Love that for us.”

At least it doesn’t seem to be turning her off. “Yeah, maybe we keep that to ourselves though. I don’t think it’s good advertising.”

“What’s your thing, then?”

“My thing?”

“Sure.” She shrugs in an overly dramatic way. “No offense, butmything is that I’ve just moved here. I get the impression you’ve been here a while, so … did you kill all your friends? Do you spit when you eat? Have a foot fetish or, like, a weird obsession with model trains?”

“Are all of those things on the same level to you?”

“Close enough.” She gasps. “You have a crush on Piers Morgan, don’t you? It all makes sense.” She throws her hands up like she’s solved the mystery, and my eyes are glued to the back of her head as I follow her along the street.

Does Lana have an off switch?

Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m enjoying myself, and I’m used to Madden monologuing when he gets onto something he’s passionate about, but she’snotMadden. And I’m being a bit of a judgmental dick.

So far, Lana hasn’t done anything other than be nice. I need to make an effort too.

“I don’t know that I have athing. I’m usually good at making friends, but I moved to Seattle with Madden after college, and since I had him here … I never really made the effort to befriend anyone outside of him.”

Understanding fills her eyes. “That makes sense. I guess it explains why he was looking at me all territorial.”

“Territorial?”

“You did tell him this wasn’t a date, right?” She laughs. “I’m a lesbian anyway, but even I can tell your man is one of the most attractive men folks I’ve ever seen.”

My feet freeze in place. “Ah, what?”

Her cheeks tinge pink. “Sorry. Normally, I don’t blurt my queerness all over the place—you can never be too careful, you know? But I figured since you’re safe?—”

“I’m safe?”

She runs confused eyes over me. “I want to say yes, but that tone you’re using is giving big no vibes.”

“No, wait. Yes. I am safe. Very queer-friendly. I’m, umm, curious what gave you that impression?”

“Your … boyfriend. Partner. Boyfriend?”

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