Page 109 of Both Sides Now

Charlie fit a lifetime into every day after he received his diagnosis, determined to take an arsenal of memories on the next leg of his journey.

“My darling girl, how long have I been gone? I’m guessing at least a year, maybe more. One thing is for certain: if you’re watching this, I’m dead. I know, what an awful way to put it, right?” He pauses, chuckling at his morbid sense of humor.

“But that’s life—one big circle. I’m just glad I got to take this crazy ride with you by my side. I know my death will be hard on you. But don’t worry, my girl, we share a bond that can never be broken. I will always be with you.”

“But you’re not,” I argue with the screen, my eyes blurring from the tears.

“I’ll show you I’m right by your side still, in so many little ways. Although”—he motions to the ceiling and sends me a wink—“I have to check with the man upstairs. There might be a cap on how many signs I can send in a day, but I’ll argue my case, so don’t you stop looking.”

The humor slides from his face as he inches closer to the camera, his hand touching the lens. “Most importantly, don’t you stop living. Just because I’m gone doesn’t mean your life ends. Callista, you are too wonderful a soul to spend your days alone.”

From left to right, I jostle my head to negate his statement, but his next line makes me laugh out loud.

“I know you’re shaking your head right now, thinking how you can’t fathom moving on. Falling in love. Letting love in.”

How right you are, Charlie.

“Well, here’s what I see, and trust me, I’ve got a good view from up here. I see you meeting an amazing chap who is probably nothing like me. That’s okay. Give him a chance. He’ll surprise you—again and again. Be patient with him. He likely doesn’t know the right things to say, but his heart is in the right place. You’ll know him when you meet him. You’ll glow again. You wear the glow of love so well, my darling girl. Don’t let that light flicker out simply because I’m no longer in this form.”

Charlie shifts in the chair, a flash of pain cutting across his features. He was exhausted and no doubt slept the rest of the day away in a futile attempt to reclaim his stolen energy.

But my Charlie isn’t done speaking his piece.

“Back to the man who will take my place. Make room in your heart for him. He deserves a spot. I know you’ll fight him—and your feelings—but don’t fight too hard. He’s human, too.”

My thoughts drift to Keegan, and once again I wonder if I hadn’t thrown away our relationship with such callous disregard, would he have been my future?

“I want you to love him with every fiber of your being,” Charlie continues. “I want you to have a houseful of kids, driving you crazy and ensuring you never get a full night’s rest again. I want to look down and see you visit my resting place with your new family, and I want to see you smile. Smile because I lived and because I was lucky enough to love you.”

“I miss you so much, baby.” The movie ends as the sobs overtake me. I shake as my heart liquefies and pours from my body.

But despite the anguish, a feeling of peace pervades my being. As always, my Charlie knew just what I needed to hear.

I awakenwith a start as my eyes adjust to the late afternoon sun. I must have passed out from crying. Again. Definitely a habit I need to break.

I’m still leaning against the wood hutch, Charlie’s photos clutched in my hand. From the corner of my eye, I spy Domino as she lifts one paw and then the other in a nervous prance.

Poor pup. She’s borne witness to far too many meltdowns.

“Sorry, Domino. Your bladder must be ready to burst.” I pull myself to my feet and notice the dried blood on my knee.

Note to self: Don’t crawl over broken glass. Very bad idea, indeed.

After letting Domino run free in the backyard, I return to his office.

What a mess. Charlie would be mortified. Not surprised, but mortified. He was a stickler for organization, and I just upended his entire life onto the floor. Talk about a new type of tribute.

“Sorry, love,” I speak aloud to the air. “Grief got the best of me. But, I’m better now.”

For the first time since his death, I actually mean those words.

His room is back to rights within an hour, save for a few shattered frames and one terribly sad-looking snow globe, now cracked and leaking its glitter-infused juice all over the floor. I toss it into the garbage with a chuckle.

Charlie hated the damn thing, but it was a gift from Shawn. A gag gift, but one my husband swore he would display proudly—likely as a reminder to never buy my best friend a nice gift again.

But something far more important came from this latest breakdown: a breakthrough.

Charlie’s words resonate in my head as I finally accept the truth. He’s gone, but I’m still here. I’m still alive, and althoughI’ll miss my husband until the day I die, I’m ready to face the world again.

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