Page 88 of Both Sides Now

"You don't mean that." I'm behaving terribly, but my flight mode has been activated, and all I can focus on is getting home. Home to the house Charlie and I shared. Home to the last memories I have of him, where I can curl up with his blanket and hope he forgives me for relegating his memory to the back burner of my heart.

Forgives me for being a terrible wife.

Keegan huffs out a breath, and I know I’m treading on his last nerve. The man has the patience of a saint, but I’m putting it to the test.

And I couldn’t care less at the moment.

“I’ve meant every word I ever said to you, Callista. Charlie seems like he was an incredible person. He adored you. That much is clear."

“He did. He wanted to give me the world. Anything I wanted, he would give me. Except he couldn't stay. But, I abandoned him. I abandoned his memory.” I gesture to myself, waving my hands wildly. “I can't do this, Keegan."

"Do what?" His voice is even and measured, his face not giving away any emotion.

That's okay. I have plenty enough for us both. "This. Us. I can't do this. I was wrong to think I could."

"Calli, I know you're upset, but let's talk about this. Please don't make any rash decisions."

"Wearetalking about it. I can't do it. I'm sorry, Keegan. I really thought I could be with someone else, but I was wrong. So very, very wrong.”

A muscle jumps in his jaw as his gaze settles out the window. “So, that’s it, then. I don’t get a say.”

And those words bring on a new rash of tears, rushing to join the ones wetting my cheeks. “This isn’t about you,” I whisper.

He shakes his head and releases a sigh. “I guess not. Here I thought this weekend was aboutus. My mistake. If that’s how you feel, then there’s nothing more to say. I’ll pack up and take you home."

"Thank you," I manage, although he likely doesn’t hear me as he strides from the room, leaving me alone with my doubts.

My fears.

My self-loathing.

I know I hurt Keegan with my harsh words, but I lack the bandwidth to juggle his pain with my own. Besides, he’ll recuperate. The man is successful in every area of his life. In a few weeks, I’ll be little more than an undesirable blip on his radar.

He’ll forget me, much in the same way I’ve forgotten Charlie.

Shouldn’t that make me feel better? Instead, I’m dyinginside, ripped to shreds by the guilt of giving my heart and soul to another man.

And the anguish over demanding it back.

My emotions are swiftly shutting down, climbing back into the dark cave of despair where they lived for so many months.

It's safer there.

For us all.

The drive back is silent, save for the jazz lilting from the speakers. I catch Keegan staring at me during the ride, but he never utters a word.

Sometimes, there’s nothing left to say.

Good to his word, he drops me at home, delivering me safely to my front stoop. He sets my bags down and turns to leave, but hesitates.

Keegan faces me again and grabs my hands, giving them a squeeze. “I love you, Callista, and I hate that you're hurting. I haven’t lived your life or your losses, but know this one thing: you never abandoned him. From what you’ve told me, you were by his side until the end.”

But it isn’t enough. How is it fair that I’m granted second chances when Charlie didn’t get any?

All I can manage is a slight nod as I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.

He clears his throat, and I meet his gaze, his eyes glassy with emotion. “I’ll give you the space you want, and hope you find your way back to me. But either way, I hope you realize what a magnificent woman you are and never sell yourself short again.”

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