Page 43 of Both Sides Now

I spent a year and a half living in that zone. No more, thank you.

“Promise me you’ll be careful?”

“Always, Shawn. I want to rejoin the world of the living. Charlie wouldn’t want me cooped up in the house, wasting away. Letting life pass me by.”

This time, my friend’s nod is enthusiastic. We’re in totalagreement. Finally. “Charlie would be thrilled you’re having fun. Even if fun involves drinking at a hole in the wall.”

“It’s a start.”

“True.” Shawn smiles and leans forward, resting his arms on the table. “What’s the latest on your baby plan?”

Another conversation topic that brings me more angst than I dare disclose.

Having a baby is a momentous undertaking when there are two healthy parents involved. When it’s only me and a bunch of technology by my side, it’s just this side of overwhelming.

But I refuse to lead with fear. Besides, Shawn doesn’t need any more ammo. One whiff of uncertainty and my friend will land all over me.

He’s not doing it to be cruel. He loves me and the last thing he wants is me walking into a building that’s rigged to implode.

I knead my palm with my thumb. Yes, it’s a nervous tell, but one I hope Shawn misses. This time.

“There’s no issue with me. Physically, at least. Dr. Russo is running some tests to rule out chromosomal abnormalities in Charlie’s sperm, whatever that means.”

It may be medical babble to me, but Shawn and Keegan speak the same language. He offers a chin lift, his face devoid of expression.

Aka, his doctor face.

“It means the fetus won’t develop, or will develop with severe disabilities and life-threatening conditions. In the most basic of terms, it means incompatible with life.”

I swallow against the lump in my throat. “That’s how Keegan put it, too. I never thought Charlie and I would be incompatible with anything. Especially not something so vital.”

I need Shawn’s reassurances that won’t be the outcome, butmy friend won’t lie to me. The best he can offer is a modicum of hope.

“Well, you don’t know yet if that’s the case. I’m sure Dr. Russo—Keegan—is looking at every available option. The man is a genius in his field.”

Trust me, Shawn, he’s a genius in many fields.

He motions to the server for another drink before returning his focus to me. “Even though I risk raising your ire for the millionth time today, I have another question, considering you are stepping back into the dating pool. Have you considered how being a single mother to a newborn might affect any future relationships? Even more so if you’re pregnant with someone else’s child. That’s some tricky navigation, Callista.”

Shawn may not have meant to anger me, but his questions spark the fury burning inside my gut. “I wouldn’t date if I was pregnant. I’m also aware it would limit my options, but the right man would understand.”

“Would he?”

I bark out a harsh laugh. “Wouldn’t he? Charlie isn’t some random sperm donor. He’s my husband. We had plans, Shawn. Important life plans. And just because he died doesn’t mean he’s gone. I have a chance for him to live on.”

“Callista, I loved Charlie. I miss the hell out of him. But are you doing this because you want his baby or because you feel you owe it to him? Because you feel like he was cheated?”

“Hewascheated. So was I.” I toss down my fork, taking a few deep breaths to center myself. “Most young widows don’t have this opportunity, but I do. What would it say about my love for Charlie if I didn’t take this chance?”

Shawn grasps my hand, giving it a squeeze, the sorrow dancing in his face. “It wouldn’t change your love for Charlie one iota. I adore you, and I’m terrified you’re doing this because you feel you should. If you know this is what youwant, one hundred percent, then I’m behind you. All the way. But I see it in your eyes. You’re conflicted?—”

“You’re making me conflicted,” I snap, my raised voice drawing gazes from the other restaurant patrons.

“It’s the last thing I want to do. But I think you’re looking for something with this baby, and I fear you won’t find it because you don’t know what you want. Whatyouwant for yourself. This is your life, now. You have to start living it on your terms, according to your rules. But you’re still living it according to the rules you and Charlie created.”

I shove myself back from the table. I need to leave, before I pitch the floral centerpiece at my friend’s head. “I knew you wouldn’t understand. You don’t have a clue what it’s like to lose someone you love.”

Okay, that statement is complete rubbish. Shawn buried his dad when he was barely a teenager. He knows loss all too well.

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