Page 107 of Both Sides Now

Just like that, I realize Keegan and I are over. Our brief, but spectacular love affair, is now relegated to the history books. That thought cuts me like a knife—a jagged, rusty-edged knife—tearing through the most sensitive parts of my soul.

I need to mourn.

In private.

While I appreciate Keegan’s concern, I can’t have this man whom I love and want a future with— a man whodoesn’twant those things—sitting in my living room, pitying me.

If nothing else, I still have my pride.

I stand and refill my glass. I need more liquor to face this night. “I’ll be fine. I need to host a personal pity party for a while, but I’ve been knocked down before. I’ll get back up again.”

“I’ve no doubt.”

I nod toward the door. “Go on. I know you have a ton of things to do. Thank you for stopping by to check on me. I’m sorry I worried you by racing out of your office.”

But Keegan doesn’t move, his gaze intent on me. “I don’t need to hurry home.”

I shrug and walk toward the foyer. “There’s no point in you hanging around. I know that sounds horrible, but you’re leaving. I’ll never see you again. You know what’s sad? I’m more upset that I wasn’t pregnant with your baby than I am to discover that I’ll never have Charlie’s. What does that say about me?”

Again, thoughts that should have stayed in my head, but whiskey has loosened the grip on my feelings, and I’m letting them all flow tonight.

Keegan shifts his weight, and I realize my statement has made him uncomfortable. After all, this is the man who has made it abundantly clear that a wife and children are not on his to-do list.

No matter how much I wish it wasn’t the case.

Perhaps if I hadn’t messed it up and run away from him, he would have considered the idea.

But time can’t be undone and there is no rolling back the clock.

I shake my head, offering a sad chuckle. “Ignore me, it’s the whiskey talking. I’ll bet your Mom is so excited to have you home. She really misses you.”

He stands, but his gaze remains locked on the floor, his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

I pull open the front door in an unquestionable signal that our meeting is adjourned. “Don’t forget to look me up if you’re ever in town. Not that you will be, I’m sure. Not that you would, regardless. Goodbye, Keegan.”

He crosses the threshold before turning back, his beautiful blue gaze meeting mine. “This is not how I planned any of this. I didn’t want it to turn out this way, either. I hoped …” He shakes his head, letting the sentence fade into the air. Leaning over, he presses a kiss to my cheek. “I will miss you.”

I manage a slight nod and wave, standing at the door as his Jeep drives out of sight.

Out of my life.

For good.

Then I lock my front door, grab the bottle of whiskey and head for my bedroom.

Hibernation, part three, commences now.

But this time,my anger outweighs the grief. I’m furious at how my life has turned out. I’m thirty-seven years old, alone and childless, with no options in sight.

After only a day and a half in bed, the fury boiling inside me bubbles to the surface. That, and I have a raging headache.

So, I emerge from my cocoon and swallow a few aspirins. No, not with whiskey. I’ve had quite enough of that crap. I’m actually tempted to call Shawn and ask him to give me some IV fluids to speed up the re-humanizing process.

Then my gaze settles on the door at the end of the hall.

Charlie’s office.

I can’t breathe as I stare at the woodgrain door. The brass knob and kick plate. It’s been almost two years since I’ve set foot inside that room—his private abode.

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