Page 100 of Both Sides Now

Fourteen

CALLISTA

For the second time in two weeks, I pass out from crying, my body slumped on the floor of my foyer.

But this time, all my tears are for Keegan.

What could have been is the saddest phrase in the English language, and one I’ve grown to know all too well.

The next few days drift by in a haze.

I call the wellness center and claim I have the flu, passing off or cancelling all appointments for the week.

Then I take to my bed. Just like when Charlie passed, I allow the grief to consume me. For the first time in almost two years, I feel despair creeping back in, and I question how much longer I must continue living this life.

My therapist is no help. Oh, she tries, but I’m too much of a mangled mess for even her doctorate degree to handle. I’m a ball of every kind of emotion, wrapped in a tearful package that vacillates between sobbing and screaming.

In short, I’m losing my mind.

A knocking sounds at my door, but I ignore it and toss my pillow over my head in the hopes they’ll go away.

When the key jingles in the lock, I realize who’s at the door.

It’s either Shawn or Suzanne, and they’re not going away. I have to face them, although I’d sooner face an executioner than allow my friends access to the depraved corners of my mind.

“Okay, time to get up. It stinks in this house, and I’m sure you’re fairly ripe, too.”

Shawn rips the blanket off the bed, and I groan, clutching for the sheet. “Go away.”

“Absolutely not. I will not let you lie here, pining for death. You have too much to live for.”

I pull the pillow from my head, glaring at him and the sunlight in equal measure. “What do I have to live for, huh? I’m alone, Shawn. It’s easy for you to tell me to take it on the chin. You get to go back to your happy life and your happy wife and your family. Me? I have nothing.”

“You have friends and family who adore you. A wellness center wondering when the hell you’ll recover from the flu you lied about having.”

“It means nothing.”

“How about Keegan? Does he mean anything?”

“Keegan is gone.” Those words rip my soul apart, along with the knowledge that my actions are to blame for his departure.

Shawn sinks onto the bed, turning on his side to face me. “What the hell happened? You two were crazy about each other.”

I wipe the tears from my eyes with a sigh. “He said he couldn’t compete with Charlie.”

Shawn shakes his head, clicking his tongue against his teeth. “There’s more to it than that. Something led to that statement.”

Shit. Might as well spill the entire sad story. “Everything was going great. He took me to Mystic, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, too.”

“Terrible guy, so far.”

I chuck a pillow at my friend’s head. “You want the story or not?”

“Sorry. I thought levity might help. I didn’t realize you’d lost your sense of humor along with your will to shower.”

Okay, that was uncalled for, although a quick sniff of my shirt reveals the truth: I stink.

With a groan, I storm past him into the bathroom. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

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