Page 49 of The Diary of the Vam'pir Jacques

How far I ran, I wasn’t sure, but grief tormented me. I had killed Father. Over and over, I kept replaying the scene in my mind, trying to take back the throw, but I couldn’t, and it was done.

Now, I can examine the incident without any feelings of guilt or grief. There was nothing that I could have done to save Father. Pal was correct. Father was already dead, and I had just eased the death for him.

Father would have wanted to die protecting his people.

However, my sorrow was immeasurable at that time.

As daylight approached, I discovered a cave and hid in it. I took my blood by drinking from animals that crossed my path. For a full week, I stayed away until Julia found me. I was dirty and ragged and not in the mood to talk to anyone.

“Know how you feel,” Julia said in a voice hoarse from disuse. “I still feel the same about Kierran.”

“No, you don’t understand,” I whispered.

“Don’t I?” Julia asked, turning my head to face her.

“No, Julia. You have no idea. Because younever killedKierran. Maurick and Claudias did that. You carry their guilt but havenothing to be guilty about,” I snapped. “Julia, you didn’t throw the spear that killed him.”

“And neither did you. Marcus was already dying, and the Kraken would have torn him apart. You saved Marcus a terrible, painful death.”

“Julia, you have no idea about what you’re saying. You carry a needless and blameless guilt around with you. I, on the other hand, contributed to killing my own father. Father had helped us so many times and loved us all in a different way.

“Father was the role model I tried so hard to be like. If Father had thrown that spear, he would never have killed anyone. Father’s blood is on my hands, literally,” I scoffed at Julia’s attempt to comfort.

Julia truly had no clue what she was talking about. She hadn’t killed Kierran.

“How can you be so selfish? Your mother thinks that she has lost her son as well as her husband. Your sisters and brother mourn for you, as do Inka and Mihal. They are devastated over Marcus’s death, and they all think that you have joined him. Everyone has searched for you, but nobody truly thought you were alive.”

“You must’ve,” I snapped.

“Only because I understand your grief. Both of us are reluctant to release the guilt. Jaq, you think that you have to punish yourself, and so you live doing just that. How often do I need to repeat myself? If you hadn’t thrown that spear, Marcus would have had a painful and lingering death. The autopsy has been done, and he wasdead. No matter what you or anyone else did, Marcus was bleeding out. Sorry, Jacques, but your family needs you.”

“You know something,” I murmured. “This is the longest that I’ve heard you speak.”

Julia blushed. “Take your own advice.”

Julia shut up and sat silently, allowing me to wallow in my self-pity. Then, three hours before daybreak, she stood and stared.

“Maybe you’re right. I should take my advice. But I can’t do this alone. Jacques, I need help. Perhaps we can do this together.”

I shook my head in denial.

“No, I cannot. I couldn’t even aid my father.”

Julia looked sadly at me.

“Then you truly are dead, Jacques. The sun will be up soon. You should stay out in it, than carry on this wretched existence. Please, I’ll take your bracelet.”

“Bracelet?” I asked, puzzled.

What a strange thing to ask for.

“Yes. I will tell Inka and Mihal that I never found you, only this and that you must have killed yourself in guilt and remorse. No doubt we’ll have a hard time stopping Inka following your example. But we will either stop Inka or fail. Don’t worry yourself.”

The bitch held her hand out as my temper flared.

“Vam’pirs look after each other!”

“I believed that, Jacques, but obviously, you no longer care. Out of loyalty, I’ll try to ease your suicide to spare Inka and Mihal and the rest of your family. They have enough grief.”

---