Page 90 of Lotus

Oh, God, did he…?

Hardly able to squeak the words out, I mutter, “Did you sleep with her?”

“There was no sleeping involved.”

Bile stings the back of my throat as my face flames with white-hot jealousy, the heat spreading to my neck and chest. It’s a reaction I haveno businessfeeling—I had my chance; I turned it down. Oliver has every right to move on. But that doesn’t stop my stomach from churning with nausea as bitter tears spring to my eyes. “Oh.”

There’s a crack in his façade when he drinks in my pitiful reaction. “I’ve upset you.”

I can’t help but nod as the tears fall freely. Swiping them away, I reply with a quivering chin, “Yes, but it’s okay. I’m fine.”

“I didn’t have sex with her, Syd.” Whatever game he was playing crumbles at the sight of my pain. “We talked. We had a nice supper. We parted ways as friends because there’s only one woman I want, and it’s not her.”

The ache in my chest dissolves, replaced with relief and a hint of confusion. “Y-You didn’t have sex?”

“No.”

“God, I thought…” I’m pathetic. Absolutelypathetic, acting like his virginity belongs to me, after he’s already offered it and I dismissed him out of fear of hurting him. But all I’m doing is hurting us both by holding him in a loose grip, pulling and pushing, because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. “I’m sorry, that was not an appropriate reaction. I have no right.”

He glances away with a set jaw. “I’m inclined to agree with that.”

My teeth grind together, seeing that he’s put the mask back on—and I don’t like it. “Oliver, please drop this act. It’s not you.”

“Good.” Oliver finds my eyes again, taking a few steps forward until we’re only inches apart. “I prefer it that way, and so do you.”

“What? No… I like you just the way you are. I don’t understand where this is coming from.”

He huffs out a frazzled breath. “You’ve been sexually intimate with other men—a fair amount from what Gabe has implied—but you refuse to with me. Why is that?”

That shower of anxiety rains down again, drowning me. “Because you’re different, Oliver.” He lurches back, as if physically slapped. Offended and hurt. My eyes go wide, and I quickly backpedal. “No, wait… no, I didn’t mean it like that. You’respecial.You’re special to me. Sex…complicatesthings. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Because I’m so simple-minded.”

“No, God… that’s also not what I mean.” I inhale a rickety breath, wondering what happened, what shifted. “No other man has ever come close to what you mean to me.”

“And yet, you still want them. You still bring them to your bed.” Oliver’s eyes darken with a thick, ugly swell of jealousy as he advances on me. “You’re worried I can’t fuck you like they can.”

An audible gasp escapes me. “Excuse me?”

“Frail, inexperienced Oliver Lynch. The boy who never grew up.”

“Stop it,” I demand, biting my lip to keep the sob from ripping through me. “That’s not at all how I see you. You’re perfect in every way.”

“Not ineveryway, it seems.”

All I can do is shake my head, stunned into silence, terrified that I have somehow ruined this man after trying so hard to keep him safe.

Ruin.

“You don’t think I can satisfy you.” Oliver continues, stalking towards me like I’m his prey. “You don’t think I can make you writhe in pleasure and scream my name, just like you read about in your books.”

Is this about the damn books? He thinks that’s what I want?

We keep moving backwards until I’m pressed up against the far wall, the top of my breasts heaving with every labored breath, grazing the front of his shirt. In a quick swoop, he snatches my wrists with one hand, pinning them above my head, and a squeak of surprise breaks through my lips. I watch as his other hand raises to my cheek, his knuckles tracing my jawline as he fixates on my parted mouth.

“Maybe I do lack experience… but there’s something you forget, Syd,” Oliver says, his tone rough like grit. He leans down to whisper in my ear, my baby hairs tickling his nose. “I’m a very fast learner.”

“No,” I tell him, struggling to pull my wrists free. Flashes of my attacker pinning me to my mattress filter through my mind, sending my body into a panic. “I don’t want it like this. I don’t wantyoulike this.”

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