Page 82 of Still Beating

“But it’sreal, and it’s intense, and it’s swallowing us whole.”

“Is it, though?” Cora inhales a shuddering breath. “Is it real?”

“What?” I frown, thrown by the question. “Of course it is.”

She looks away, fisting the hem of her tank top between sweaty palms. “Maybe this was simply born out of trauma and survival. We think we still need each other even though we made it out. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if we didn’t go through what we went through.”

“I disagree,” I say, shaking my head. “Maybe not right now, but… I think this was inevitable.”

“No. When the trauma fades away,wefade away. This is temporary.”

My anger flickers. “That’s not what you said last night when I was inside you. You said you’ve always been mine.”

Cora sets her jaw, her cheeks flaming. She rises to her feet and storms away. “I was in the heat of the moment, Dean. I can’t believe you brought that up.”

I stand to follow, grabbing my shirt off the floor and tugging it over my head in the process. “Why not? You said it.”

She whirls around with a fresh set of emotions ready to fly. “I can’t do this!”

“Cora…”

“No! Don’t try to change my mind or feed me that fairytale, always-meant-to-be bullshit. You were engaged to my sister as of aweekago. You were with her forfifteen years.” Her tears spill out, catching on the corners of her mouth. “Then you dumped her forme, and now I have to live with that.”

I reach for her hands, but she yanks them away. “I already told you. Ending my relationship with Mandy had nothing to do with you. Or us.”

“Lies.”

“Stop, Cora. You could walk away from me right now and tell me it’s over, and I wouldn’t go back to Mandy. It ended becauseweended. You don’t change that.”

Cora stares at me with flushed skin and crossed arms. She nods her head slowly, deliberately, and pins her eyes on mine. “I guess we’ll see.” She takes a step back and drops her arms to her sides. “It’s over, Dean. I can’t do this to Mandy.”

She continues to walk backwards, away from me, and I shake my head with a bitter laugh.Unbelievable. I reach into my pocket, pulling a wad of cash out of my wallet as I pace over to her. I lean in close, then tug her wrist towards me and open her palm. “You probably should have thought about that before you fucked me.” I slap the money into her hand, trying to ignore the pain that flashes in her eyes. “For the pill.”

I grab my coat off the back of the couch, slip on my shoes, and slam the door shut behind me as I walk out of her house.

Morning fades to night, and I don’t hear from Cora all day.

I’ve been pissed off and resentful since I left her house, alternating between taking power naps to try and forget all the bullshit swimming through my head, and binging Netflix to try and distract me from all the bullshit swimming through my head.

So far, neither have worked. I’m plagued with bullshit.

I never thought this would be easy. I never assumed we’d hop into bed, wake up the next day, and our magical, new life would begin. Fuck, no. There is nothing easy or magical about any of this. It’s messy and dirty and confusing andhard.

But Iknew that. I’d considered all the bumps and curves we’d hit along the way, and I was willing,prepared, to brave each and every fallout with her. We’ve already survived so much together. We’ve weathered through the most turbulent storms. We've faced things that would keep the most fearless person up at night. We’ve looked death in the eye and persevered.

And yet, she runs from this.

Fromme.

But I suppose matters of the heart can be the scariest thing of all.

I stretch out on the couch, pulling up my blanket and calling in an order for Chinese food. I glance at Cora’s name and our last string of messages, and I notice a text from her that I never opened. It was in response to me telling her that I’d be at her house in fifteen minutes:

Cora:That’s not a good idea

Would that have stopped me from driving over there in the middle of the night to try and comfort her in the dark?

Probably not.

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