Page 111 of Still Beating

Shit.

I move back on instinct, afraid of the words he’s about to cut me down with.

“Fun?” Dean repeats, advancing on me, his eyes alight with incredulity. “You think being abducted by a serial killer, shackled to a pole for three weeks, forced to rape my fiancé’s sister at gunpoint, and murdering a man in cold blood with my bare fuckin’ hands has beenfun?” His fingers are balled into fists at his sides, his face a mask of anger. “Or do you think falling for you has been fun? Falling in love with the only woman in the world I can’t have, watching her slip through my fingers, little by little, day by day, only to find her nearly dead from an overdose?

“Or maybe you’re referring to the sex. Sex is always fun, right? It’s been so fuckinggoddamnfun trying to reach you the only way I can, making love to you while you can’t even look in me in the eyes, and trying to collect all the little bones you throw at me without ever trulyhavingyou. It’s been loads of fun waking up every morning to an empty bed with my sheets reeking of you, mocking me with the reminder that you’re not there. And it’s been especially fun having to uproot my whole life because I care about you so damn much, I can’t bear to keep watching you suffer.”

I’m breathing heavy, almost as hard as he is, my guilt battling it out with shock and rage. I used the wrong word, yes, but this still feels like a slap in the face to everything we’ve been through. “Don’t play the martyr, Dean. If you really loved me, you would stay.”

“Idolove you.” He’s on me again, his hands on my shoulders. “I love you.Madly. But with mad love comes madness, and what you need right now ispeace. Don’t you get it, Cora? Don’t you see?” His grip on me tightens, his face directly in front of mine. “I’m leavingbecauseI love you.”

I don’t get it.

I don’t see.

All I see is him not choosing me.

All I see is abandonment.

“I’m a big girl. You don’t get to decide what’s best for me.”

Dean drops his head, breathing out through his nose. “You asked me totie you up.”

“So?” I push him away and cross my arms. “A lot of couples do that.”

“Not us. Not you and me.” He runs both hands through his hair, linking them behind his neck. “Jesus, Cora… that was a huge fucking red flag. How could you ask me to do that after what we went through? How could youwantthat?”

“I don’t know!” I throw my hands up. “It just came out. Why is it such a big deal?”

“Because…” Dean closes in on me again, tears in his eyes, hands still behind his head as if he needs to hold himself back from touching me. “Because you have a hole you’re trying to fill. A void. And this is going to sound totally messed up, but I think a part of you misses that basement.”

My eyes widen. My stomach drops. “How dare you.”

“I’m serious, Corabelle. Nothing else mattered down there but you and me and trying to survive. I was all you had, and we clung to each other, and we wereallowedto. We had to. But now we’re back in the real world and everything’s different, and I think you miss that.”

I’m shaking my head through his words, rejecting every single one. “That’s sick. You don’t know me at all.”

“I do know you. I know you pretty damn well.” Dean sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose as a look of defeat washes over him. “I don’t want to end things like this. I don’t want you hating me.”

“Well, you don’t get a choice in that, Dean,” I say through a bitter laugh. “You’rethe one ending it—you don’t get to control the fallout, too.”

He steps back, running his tongue along his teeth and shoving his hands into his pockets. “Yeah. I guess that’s fair.”

“It’s probably best if you leave now.”

So I can go sob into my dogs for the next decade.

Dean flicks his eyes up to me. There is so much pain there, so much uncertainty. But he’s doing it anyway. He’s leaving me alone to pick up the pieces of our shared trauma. I turn away, afraid I’m going to collapse with grief if I keep looking at him.

And then he’s scooping me into his arms, holding me tightly to his chest, his mouth against my ear. “God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to walk out your door without making you understand why Ineedto do this… but I realize you won’t understand until I’m gone. And I’m so fucking sorry, Cora. The last thing I want to do is give you more pain, but Ipromisethis is the right thing to do.” Dean clutches me, squeezes me, his hand cradling the back of my head and threading through my hair. He peppers kisses along my neck as I start to cry uncontrollably. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry, my sweet Corabelle. I love you so goddamn much.”

I can’t stop crying. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop.

Dean pulls back slowly, his hands lifting to my cheeks and wiping away my tears. He kisses my forehead, my nose, landing on my lips with a final goodbye. “You’re still my girl. You’ll always be my girl.”

Then he releases me, turning around and heading to the front door.

I’m overcome with emotion—with love and sorrow and regret and anger—and I call out to him as his hand reaches for the doorknob. “Wait.”

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