Page 76 of When Stars Fall

Every entry I see is another notch in my aching sadness. After another flip, one of the photos catches my eye. I stall her hand before she can zip past.

“Are you looking at Uncle Isaac?” Haven glances from me back to the photo.

“Yeah.” So many of Isaac’s things I burned in a drug-fueled rage after he died. So stupid. Getting rid of the remembrances didn’t make me miss him any less.

“Does talking about him make you happy-sad like it does my mom?”

“That’s what your mom calls it?”

“Yeah, she says the memories are happy, but it makes her sad she doesn’t get to make any new ones. Talking about you used to make her happy-sad too.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose, willing myself not to cry again. “That sounds about right.” The words squeeze out of my tight throat. “I might call mine sad-happy. Sad I missed so much, and happy I won’t ever miss any more.” I tug at the neck of my shirt. It’s hot in here. Shifting the book off my lap, I stand. “I need some air.” I glance around her room for a door or window I can open.

“The air conditioning is on. But there’s a balcony off my mom’s room.” Haven jumps off the bed and leads the way through to the rear of the house.

When we enter Ellie’s bedroom, the space is wrong and right at the same time. It smells like her in here—a weird mixture of flowers and vanilla. The scent stops me in my tracks. The decor is neutral like the rest of the house, and the photos on the wall tell the story of her life with Haven, here in Bermuda. I’m nowhere to be found. Of course I’m not, but the ache in my chest spreads like a virus.

Haven opens one of the French doors and turns to me. “There are a couple chairs out there. I’m getting a drink. Do you want one?”

I shake my head and step outside. With a deep breath, I take my gum out of my pocket. I pop two pieces out of the foil and stuff them into my mouth. The motion of putting them on my tongue is comforting. Better gum than the alternative.

“Back in a minute,” Haven says, retreating into the house.

The ocean is calm again today. Haven is right, there isn’t much of a surf on this side of the island. The humid air penetrates my lungs when I breathe in and out, stilling the chaos inside me. Outside is good. My brain clicks back to a photo I saw in Ellie’s room. On the dresser as we walked through was a photo in a frame. Something pinches my consciousness. Why did it jump out at me? I step into the room and cross to take a closer look.

Ellie, Haven, and some other guy. One big, happy family.

Another surge of anger roils through me. I’m tempted to throw the picture, to smash it on the floor or to drop it from Ellie’s balcony and watch it shatter below. In my pocket, I squeeze my stress ball while staring at the photo.

“What are you doing?” Ellie’s voice comes from the doorway.

I hold up the photo to her without saying a word.

“I dated him for a couple of years. We broke up six months ago. I just haven’t gotten around to putting a new picture in the frame. It’s been ten years. Did you really think I wouldn’t have dated anyone else?”

“That’s not the problem.” I bite down hard on the gum, chewing with force. “The problem is him in the photo looking as though he’s Haven’s dad.”

“He was good to her.” She takes the photo from my hand, tension radiating off her. She opens a drawer and lays it in, facedown.

“I should have had a chance to be good to her.”

“You have a chance now.”

“Yeah, thanks to TMZ. I can’t even believeTMZmade me a father.”

“I’m sorry.” There’s more steel in her voice than there was last time. “I never wanted you to find out that way.” She’s reached the end of her apology rope. Too bad. She needs to make amends for the last ten years. One or two conversations aren’t going to heal those wounds.

“I’ve been here for days. I’m not convinced you were ever planning to tell me about Haven while I was capable of understanding what it meant.”

“I wanted to make sure you were clean and sober,” she says. “Haven can’t be thrown into our old life.”

“My old life hasn’t existed for a couple of years.”

“Yeah, I’m sure with Anna around there’re no drugs or violence or shady people.”

“That’s notme.I’mnot doing those things.”

“You’re a party to them. You’re playing with fire. And honestly, I’m not comfortable with Haven being in a house with Anna when she’s doped up and unpredictable.”

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