Page 53 of When Stars Fall

His snorkel and mask are still clutched in one hand when I slip past him and along the walkway.

I take another bite of my curry and listen to Wyatt and Haven talk around me. I ordered Indian food in honor of Tanvi. If Wyatt still spends time with her, he probably gets to eat this all the time. But I love the reminder of Isaac, of Tanvi, of what once was.

“What do you think, Ellie?” Wyatt prods, drawing me into the conversation.

“Sorry.” I glance around the table. “I tuned out.”

Haven shakes her head. “M—” Her eyes widen at her almost-slip. “Man,” she says. “I’d get in trouble for that.”

She’s so comfortable around Wyatt now that I’m surprised she hasn’t slipped yet. Maybe she has and Wyatt didn’t realize it wasn’t a flub but a tell. I take one last bite of food and my chair scrapes against the tile when I stand up. I go into the kitchen without another word.

My plate is in the sink and I stare into the drain. Energy shifts in the room when Wyatt enters. His presence whispers to my soul.

“What’s going on?” Wyatt comes around me to set his plate on top of mine. “You haven’t been yourself since you got home tonight.”

Home. He used to be my home, and having him here in the home I built with our daughter is disorienting. I close my eyes. “I have a lot on my mind.”

“Did something happen today?” He rests his side against the counter beside me.

“The kids asked a lot of questions about you. It was just . . . hard, I guess.”

“About me?”

“Yeah, that’s what happens when Wyatt Burgess goes on television and declares his undying love for someone. It blows up social media, tells people they should care. My life, my private life is worth caring about.”

I leave out the awkwardness of discussing suicide with teenagers. Also, drugs. Too many of those kids have watched YouTube videos of Wyatt in states no one would describe as sober. Nikki and I need to keep Haven off the computer, iPad, everything electronic for a while. It’s not just our relationship that’s trending.

“Ellie.”

“Can you leave me alone for a second? I need a minute.”

He sighs, but he sidles out of the kitchen without protest. I’m not alone for long. The soft patter of Nikki’s feet makes me turn. “What?” I ask sharply.

“Wyatt said you might need to talk to someone.” She holds up her hands.

“It was a shitty afternoon of answering questions about Wyatt’s more questionable choices. What am I doing even considering what I’m considering?”

Nikki steps closer and lowers her voice. “You mean Haven?”

“Yeah,” I say in a clipped tone. “What kind of role model is he?”

“She already knows. She’s known for a long time.” Nikki sighs. “Stopping her from seeing him isn’t going to change what’s done. At least if he’s around, she’s not trying to find him in other ways. I don’t necessarily disagree with him being part of her life. But you getting sucked back in? That terrifies me.”

“He seems different. A little more together.”

“Back then, I didn’t have a clue what was going on with you two. Except for what happened to Isaac, you kept things to yourself. When you left Wyatt and he started to become a social media whore, the scope of the drugs was unbelievable. There’s a difference between loving someone and taking care of them. Mom was right. If you’d stayed, you would have died.”

“I never worried about myself. Once Isaac died, I got off the drug and alcohol train. Haven is the reason I left, but I would’ve been fine.”

“You can’t be sure.”

“And neither can you.” I cross my arms. “You weren’t there. You don’t have any idea what our life was like. We loved each other. It wasn’t what you’ve seen. He wasn’t—he wasn’t exactly that person when we were together.”

“You were afraid to raise a kid in his environment. You left him. That says a lot.”

“And it’s still Haven I’m worried about. It’s not me. I’ll be fine. Whatever happens, I’ll be fine.”

“Haven is too aware to let this go. She’ll badger you for eternity to know him, to see him. You need to figure out how to allow that to happen without dragging yourself under. If he goes sideways, you need to be able to get yourself and her out.” Nikki stares out the window over the sink. “If it was our dad, how would you feel about Mom if she kept him from you?”

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