Page 34 of When Stars Fall

We pass Calshae in the hotel foyer, and I call out a hello. She waves at me as Ellie and I exit the building. Ellie tosses out a hi laced with a sheepish dip of her head.

“You two aren’t close anymore?” I ask as we walk to Ellie’s bike.

“We lost touch.”

We climb onto the bike. This time, she doesn’t move away from me when I press myself close, but she doesn’t respond in typical Ellie fashion either. Nikki’s words, whatever they were, must still be buzzing in her ear.

We cruise to the hotel, another out-of-the-way spot on the island. The location thrived once, long before I ever came to visit. We nicknamed it the Mermaid Mansion years ago, after its cement pool built into the ocean with mermaids perched in various positions around the ocean side, guarding swimmers from going too deep.

The hotel stands four or so stories high. The pale-pink paint is fading and chipped. There are places where the cement blocks are visible. The outline of grandeur is still there. Deserted. Private. Exactly what we need.

Ellie slides on her sunglasses, which I know are armor from me more than from the sun. We stand at the edge of the tide pool. The waves lap over the sides of the cement. Ellie sighs before she sits. I take a seat beside her, giving her a minute before I say anything. I don’t want to spook her. There’s a fragility that’s new and old. The young girl is still there underneath.

“What are you thinking about?” I pick fragments of shells out of the surrounding sand.

“How am I supposed to understand the right thing to do with you? It’s impossible.” She faces the ocean, her glasses concealing her eyes.

“Follow your heart.” I give her a sideways glance. Might be terrible advice, but I hope her heart leads her to me. Our connection is still there. The air between us hums with old feelings brought back to life.

She shakes her head, picking up a fistful of sand and letting it run through her fingers over and over before she speaks again. “When I left ten years ago, it was the right thing to do. You weren’t good for me anymore. You wouldn’t get help. I had to leave.”

“Why then?” I say. “Why did you decide to leave me then? I’m not saying you were wrong. Looking back, I was out of control. My sober self can see that now. Couldn’t admit it at the time.” I try to slot a piece that’s never fit into the puzzle. My trip here is as much about seeking answers as it is about rebuilding what we shouldn’t have lost.

“Our breakup had been coming for a long time.”

She’s a good actress, but not good enough to make me believe something that far from the truth. Unless I was so out of it I missed all the signs, she’s lying.

“Didn’t feel that way.”

“I’m surprised you could feel anything. Percs, oxy, Adderall, bennies. I could probably list about ten more that were in rotation. After Isaac died, your consumption went through the roof, and mine went to zero. That whole ‘scared straight’ thing was real for me. I didn’t want to die, and I didn’t want you to die either. Sober Ellie wasn’t good at coping with addict Wyatt.”

Maybethat’strue. Or partially true. She’s on the defensive, which isn’t like her. My grief, which fueled my worst habits, would have been hard to be around, but what I don’t believe is that she went home for a week and got tired of my issues and then left after barelyoneconversation. The suddenness of her departure is what throws me every time I think I’m close to cracking her true reason open.

“You lied to me about your habits all the time. You could still be on something now. How would I know?” Ellie asks.

On movie sets, during interviews, at family dinners, I could fake sobriety as long as I managed my drug combinations. An upper here, a downer there. When I wanted to be, I was a master at it.

That’s all behind me now, but I can’t change her opinion of me, of who I used to be, if she won’t get to know me again. We’re both quiet for a long time as we watch the ocean ebb and flow through the decaying cement pool.

“Did you bring a suit?” Avoidance is the best I’ve got right now.

She pulls her shirt away from her body. “Looks like.” Her amused expression is tinged with sadness. “You’re not going to touch my last question?”

“The answer is trust, Ellie. I gotta earn that. It’s not going to happen in five days. It just isn’t. The real question is whether you even want to take a chance. Am I worth the risk? Are we?”

“Oh, is that all?” She chuckles, a sound that is almost bitter.

“I’ve got the drugs under control. All I’m asking for is a chance to prove that to you.” I stand and offer her my hand.

She stares at me for a moment before taking it. When I pull her up, her chest is inches from mine. Her breath catches. I grin. She gives me a gentle shove, so I’m forced to take a step back, and a laugh escapes me.

“You did that on purpose.”

“I need all the advantage I can get.” I wink.

“Me wanting to sleep with you isn’t the same as me wanting to be with you.” She takes off her shirt and shorts, and she tosses her sunglasses in her heap of clothes.

The ability to think coherently vanishes at the sight of her. Her bikini is a swirl of sea colors and fits her in the right places. She always understood how to dress for her body type. My dick twitches at the memories, the reality of her here, with me.

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