Page 68 of The Psychopath Next Door

‘No More Lovey-Dovey,’ suggested Emma.

Both kids made noises like they were being tortured.

‘Okay!’ called Dave from the control tower. ‘Let’s go.’ He pressed a button, a siren wailed, and we were off.

It was fun. A little stressful, running around the course, trying not to bang my head on the low ceilings. There was lots of dashing around, attempting to hide, the guns spluttering and beeping and the kids yelling at each other as the time ticked down. The problem for the Deadly Doves was that the Gallaghers were much better than us. They’d obviously done this before, and both adult Gallaghers and kids kept popping out and shooting me in the head, then vanishing before I could reciprocate. If this were a real battlefield, I’d have lasted five seconds. The only member of our family who was any good was Dylan, having poured thousands of hours of his life into playing first-person shooters on his Xbox. But I noticed he was reluctant to shoot Keira.

Rose noticed too.

‘Why are you letting your girlfriend off the hook?’ she asked during a timeout.

‘I’m not. And she’s not my girlfriend.’

‘She’s not going to hate you for shooting her. It’s thegame. If you don’t try to kill her, she’ll have no respect for you.’

‘Where on earth is this coming from?’ Emma asked. She, like me, was sweaty and out of breath, her helmet askew, damp tendrils of hair sticking to her forehead.

‘Rose has been watching relationship videos on YouTube,’ Dylan said. ‘What about you and Henry? You’ve hardly landed a shot on him. Or is that just because you’re rubbish?’

‘Please, both of you.’ I put myself between them. ‘Let’s not argue again.’

‘Henry’s so annoying,’ Rose said.

Dylan smirked. ‘There’s a thin line between love and hate.’

‘Shutup!’

A few minutes later, Rose got Henry in a corner and blasted him with every piece of virtual ammo she had.

Maybe it’s good for her, I thought, watching her as she squeezed the trigger over and over and Henry cowered before her.Help her get some of that aggression out. Do what her hormones are telling her to do.I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Henry, though, watching him finally duck and weave away after Rose temporarily ran out of shots.

I turned to see Angela watching, shaking her head before remembering the game and aiming her gun at me.

By the time the final game of the hour-long session arrived, I was shattered. I’d banged my head a dozen times and my clothes were soaked with sweat. I was suffering with my hangover too, and in dire need of water. But I was enjoying myself. We were doing something together, as a family. And as a couple too. Emma had called out a warning when Theo was about to snipe at me from one of the raised areas, and we’d exchanged a grin after Emma shot our adversary.

‘The last game is a battle royale,’ Dave declared. ‘Every person for him- or herself. Let’s see who’s the top player out of all of you.’

He explained that, once you took three shots, you were out.

I was eliminated by Dylan pretty early. I retreated to our camp and sat waiting for the rest of them. Theo, Angela and Emma soon joined me. Our kids were far better than us. Then Dylan, surprisingly, was eliminated, leaving just Rose, Henry and Keira.

‘If Rose wins, she’s going to be a nightmare,’ said Dylan. ‘She’ll never stop going on about it.’

‘She’s not like that,’ Emma said, with little conviction.

‘Huh. Not before this summer. But since she’s been hanging out with Fiona ...’ He trailed off.

Angela was listening with interest. ‘Is Fiona a new friend? A bad influence, perhaps?’

‘She’s our childminder,’ I said. ‘Well, of sorts.’

‘Our next-door neighbour,’ Dylan said. ‘She’s weird.’

‘What makes you say that?’ I asked, surprised. In that same moment, I saw myself and Fiona hugging. Almost kissing. I was glad I was already flushed from all the exercise.

Dylan didn’t get the chance to answer, because somewhere close by there was a loud thud and a child screamed. All of us adults jumped up and ran towards the noise, Angela and Theo leading. Dave came rushing down from the control tower too, and was the first to reach the scene.

Henry lay on the ground, clutching his upper arm and wincing with pain. His helmet had come off, and tears ran from the corners of his eyes down towards his ears. His gun was nowhere to be seen.

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