Page 74 of The Psychopath Next Door

‘But that ... that might have happened,’ I said, ‘if you’d carried on seeing him.’

She hesitated, took a sip of wine. ‘It might. I don’t know. There was tension. I did think about it. And before you get upset, canyou deny that you’ve ever fantasised about someone else since we’ve been together?’

I couldn’t deny it.

‘It’s normal,’ she said. ‘But what wasn’t normal, what wasn’t right, was how addicted I felt to his company. How often we would meet up, even if it was just talking. It was dangerous. And I think I wanted you to find out, to put a stop to it before anything more happened. I was scared to tell you about it, but I made it easy for you to discover what was going on.’

I nodded, remembering how she’d left her phone out, unlocked, so I could see she had added the extra layer of security to WhatsApp. How she had immediately caved when I’d demanded to know why.

‘So when you found out what was happening and went ballistic, I was relieved. It was horrible, yes. I hated how hurt you were. I hated all the arguments. And I was shocked when you said we needed to move, that I needed to be out of sight of Mike, even though I knew you were right. So I agreed with you. I did it because I knew it was for the best, and itwaswhat I wanted.’

‘I can feel another “but” coming.’

‘However ...’ She smiled, breaking the tension, but just a little. ‘I couldn’t shake this feeling that everything had happened on your terms, and after we moved to our new place, where I didn’t know anyone, in a new house that I still don’t like as much as our old one, I started to feel resentful. I told myself I hadn’t really done anything wrong. I’d been friends with Mike, that was all. Would you have minded if he was a woman? What evenisan emotional affair, anyway? I started to think it was a ridiculous term. And I brooded over it, feeling dissatisfied and hard done by. And I was sick and tired of you making me feel guilty, like I was a child who’d done something wrong.’

I had to fight the urge to sayBut youdiddo something wrong. Some of the stuff she was saying hurt. But, somehow, knowing that I needed to push that hurt aside – or we would never get anywhere, never get through this – I bit my tongue. After a moment, I was able to say, ‘Emma, you should have talked to me about all of this. Told me how you were feeling.’

‘I couldn’t. Because I was sure you would just tell me that I had no right to complain, that it was me who’d almost wrecked our marriage, that I should suck it up and get on with it.’

I was shocked. ‘I never talk to you like that.’

‘No. But I’m sure that’s what you think. Maybe in milder terms, but I’m in the right ballpark, aren’t I?’

It was hard for me to deny.

‘Anyway, that’s why I decided to see Mike. I wanted that chance to do things on my terms. To see if I did still have feelings for him.’

That made me flinch. ‘And ... do you?’

‘No. Oh, Ethan, don’t look so worried. You know what? I didn’t even have platonic feelings for him. I realised that I didn’t even like him that much – that he’s boring. Big-headed. Not funny. I have no idea what I was even thinking last year ... Except, and this is something we are going to need to talk about, I think I was trying to fill a gap in my life, something I wasn’t getting from our marriage.’ Another gulp of wine. ‘This is all hard to say and hard to hear, I’m sure. I’m just trying to be totally honest.’

I nodded. I felt sick. But my overwhelming sensation was relief. She hadn’t told me she’d realised she loved Mike and wanted to be with him.

‘I am almost certain now that whatever was going on between Mike and me would have burned itself out. I would have come to my senses. Because I do love you. Maybe I was feeling neglected because you were putting so much energy into the shop. Maybe it was just a twenty-year-itch thing. I don’t know. Marriage is hard,isn’t it, especially when you live in a world full of other people. So yeah, that’s what I wanted to say. I feel like a great weight has lifted off me. That the sense of injustice and of unfinished business has gone. Oh my God, Ethan, is that a tear?’

I wiped my cheek. ‘I’m just so relieved. I thought you were going to tell me you wanted a divorce.’

‘And claim half your record collection.’

‘I knew I should have got you to sign a pre-nup.’

We both laughed and I rubbed my eyes, blinking away more tears. I took her hands and we leaned forward, putting our foreheads together. Some of what she’d said had been difficult to hear and I knew there were some issues we were going to have to deal with. On top of that, I could see how wrong I’d been to keep punishing her, and to brood over my own resentment.

We should’ve talked more. Should have been more honest.

We both stood and embraced. I kissed her. She kissed me back. And then we sat down again and talked more. We talked about things we were going to do to make sure we felt close to each other. More time together. Date nights. I would spend less time at the shop. We’d do more things with the kids, as a family. Most importantly, we would check in with each other. Talk more. Not hide things. It was the most constructive, honest conversation we’d had in a long time.

Except I didn’t tell her about how I’d almost kissed Fiona. I didn’t see the point. I had only gone round to see her because I thought Emma was seeing Mike again, and nothing had happened really. It wasn’t important. I could honestly say that I had no feelings for Fiona whatsoever.

Then Emma startled me by saying, ‘I actually have Fiona to thank.’

I pulled back. ‘What? Why?’

‘We had a chat the other day, when she dropped Rose home. She asked me if I was okay, and then started telling me about her ex-girlfriend, about how it would have been their anniversary, and then we ended up opening a bottle of wine and having a bit of a heart-to-heart.’

‘And you told her about Mike?’

I felt something cold creep through my veins. I had already told Fiona about Emma’s ‘emotional affair’ before this.

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