Page 90 of Shifting Gears

“He didn’t express pride in your accomplishments when you graduated early or got any of your multiple university degrees or patented technologies that made his company millions,” Kayla says more evenly. “He only did when he thought Ash might propose to you. He cared more about your ability to carry on his legacy than he did about you as a person, and I’ve watched it fuck with your self-worth for your entire life. He does not deserve that much real estate in your brain.”

It stings, but Nora can’t argue the point. She’s spent thirty years trying to live up to a benchmark that was always out of reach, and she’s tired of living for nothing but obligation.

“This is reminding me of the pep talk you gave me before I took over the company,” Nora says, leaning heavily against Kayla’s side.

“I assume you mean the one where I told you not to?”

Nora laughs. A real, genuine laugh, one that reaches a place in her gut that feels cathartic. It feels like she hasn’t laughed in months.

It’s true that Kayla and Ash had both tried to talk Nora out of taking the helm at CromTech, to no avail. Nora had been adamant in her decision. She had also drunk a fifth of whiskey and cried for six hours. Kayla found her the next morning and said she was so dehydrated that she should have dried up like a starfish. “Yes. So what do I do now?”

“I can’t make your decision for you,” Kayla says. She kisses the side of Nora’s head. That kind of affection has never been a norm in their relationship, but a summer’s worth of Dani’s tactile ways has softened Nora’s stance. “You didn’t listen to my advice then, and I’m sure you won’t now. We’ll support you no matter what.”

It’s entirely unhelpful, but Nora still appreciates it.

“What Ishoulddo,” Nora says, “is switch up the board. Finish the new four-year plan in with a focus on sustainability. Seek out partnerships with other companies doing the same thing. It’ll be easier to pivot in mission and vision when we’re part of a collective change. And then…”

Nora trails off. And then what? After she’s set the company up to succeed the way she knows it can, what does she reallywant?

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” Kayla says. She pushes herself off the desk when Nora’s office phone starts to ring and heads to the door, leaving Nora to answer it, but Nora silences the call.

“You know I love you, right?” Nora says before Kayla has reached the door. “You and Ash both. I don’t think I’ve ever said it to you.”

Kayla turns. Her smile is warm and familiar. “We know. But it’s always nice to hear.”

Nora is back at her apartment by noon with a cleared schedule for the day and far too much to think about.

Months later, she still misses Riverwalk with a ferocity that unnerves her. Not just Dani, but the whole place—the bar, the picnic benches by the river, the ridiculous town events. She misses Dani’s friends, who for a brief and wonderful period Nora had considered her own, too. The community of it all. Thinking about it aches like nostalgia. It aches like homesickness.

She’s never had such strong feelings about where she lives before. She grew up a stone’s throw from her current office, and after jumping from city to city for school, she came back and never left. Living in Riverwalk changed her in more ways than one. Now Nora finds herself hating things she hadn’t even noticed before: the noise, the traffic, the crowds. The constant movement and bustle. She’s always been a solitary person, but lately the solitude has felt more lonely than comforting.

What would it really look like to leave it behind for something else? Not quite the vacation of this past summer, but to commit to something more intentional? To take a risk and hope that Dani feels the same? If she takes the obligation out of it, the guilt of needing to do what her father wanted, why is she even here?

The answer is unequivocal and instant. There’s no reason at all. Her job gives her no fulfillment, no enrichment, no sense of accomplishment, just a weary kind of resignation. The part of it she’s actually passionate about—the eco-tech and special projects—could be done as an independent contractor. Why does she have to be the one to sit in a big office and reluctantly browbeat the board when Kayla and Ash thrived so happily in those positions over the summer?

She can hear them in her head, echoing the long talk five years ago before she decided to take the helm. Kayla had looked at her then with the same devastating insight that she did today.

What do you actually want, Eleanor?Kayla had asked. Nora hadn’t had an answer at the time.

“I want to go home,” Nora whispers.

The room is empty. Nobody is around to hear her confession, but it feels freeing to say it out loud. The truth is out. She’s spoken it into the world and made it real.

“I want to gohome,” Nora says again.

As if a heavy weight has been lifted from her chest, she takes a breath that feels cleansing, letting the relief course through her. It’s almost strong enough to blot out the fear.

Nora wants to hand the company off to Kayla. She wants to go back to Riverwalk. She wants to drive through town, to stop at the River Run and to listen to Sarah and Ryan argue over which niche superhero would win in a fight. She wants to sit in the auto shop and watch Dani take cars apart while rain patters on the roof. She wants to sleep in her yellow bedroom with Dani curled around her. And she wants to stay.

Nora stands up, caught up in a rush of frantic energy with nothing to channel it into. She paces across her living room, running a hand through her hair until she’s sure it looks absolutely ridiculous, and finally, with shaky fingers, pulls out her phone and scrolls through her contacts.

Her thumb hovers overDani Cooper, but it never touches the screen.

She isn’t sure Dani would even take her call. And if she did, what would Nora say? She’d be as likely to screw things up even more as to make it better—she’s always struggled to communicate her feelings effectively, and the only thing that’s ever helped is Dani’s presence. Dani makes her thoughts feel translatable.

Nora needs to see her.

Chapter 20

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