Page 69 of Seeing You

He knew himself well enough to know that he couldn’t be sure.

That meant he’d end up hurting her again after getting her hopes up that they could make things work.

And that, unfortunately, was his answer.

He just didn’t like it.

Chapter Twelve

“Uh-oh…someone either didn’t get any sexy time last night, or someone died.”

“Jeez, Ash…that was a shitty greeting,” Jade murmured. “Ease up.”

Her sister was staring hard at her. “Alright, then what’s going on?”

Swallowing hard, Billie stepped closer to the counter. “Marcus is leaving today. We said our goodbyes last night and…I’m fine. I swear. Just tired.”

“I call bullshit.”

“Ash!” Jade wearily scolded. “Seriously, come on.”

“No, she’s right, dammit. I mean, Iamtired, but I’m also seriously bummed. We both knew it was happening and said we were fine with it. I didn’t say anything to him because he was genuinely okay with all of it. We didn’t make any promises, and it was just…goodbye.” Tears stung her eyes, and she mentally cursed them.

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry,” Ashlynn said as she came around the counter to hug her. “I wasn’t thinking. You know my mouth has a mind of its own.”

Billie clung to her. “It’s one of the things I love most about you, just not this morning.”

Pulling back, her sister looked at her with sympathy. “I have a feeling you’re not loving anything right about now.” She glanced around. “C’mon, it’s pretty quiet in here right now. Let’s go sit and talk.” Then she turned to Jade. “Is that okay?”

“I was going to suggest the same thing.” Pausing, she asked, “Do you want me to see if one of the girls can come in and cover for you today, Bill? Maybe you’d feel better just relaxing at home.”

“No, but thank you. I need the distraction.” They walked to one of the tables and sat down. “I feel so stupid. I knew all the risks, and I still did it.” Wiping away the tears that fell, she quietly admitted, “And I’d do it all again.”

Reaching across the table, Ashlynn squeezed her hand. “I know you would. I wish I had something profound or comforting to say, but sarcasm is really my superpower.” She winked. “What happens when he comes back to visit his father? Why can’t the two of you do the long-distance thing?”

“Because it’s too hard. We both know this is a relationship with zero future. I’m getting older, Ash. I want to fall in love, get married, have babies…that’s never going to happen with Marcus. And if we keep going like this—long-distance, dirty weekends, whatever you want to call it—I’m never going to have what I want.” More tears flowed. “And I deserve to have the life that I want, don’t I? Everyone else does. You’re all married and having babies and deliriously happy. When is it going to be my turn?”

“Oh, Bill…”

“It’s not fair. I’m a good person. I’m capable of love. Why did I have to fall in love with the one person who wants completely different things? We used to be so alike, and then we became incompatible.”

“You’re not incompatible. Logistics just suck.”

But she was shaking her head. “It’s not just logistics. I wish it were. Marcus wants the kind of life that lacks…I don’t want to say a soul because that’s a bit dramatic, but I could never raise a child when it meant working fourteen hours a day and being on call 24/7. That’s not a life; that’s existing and just living to work.”

“You kind of work a lot now,” Ash carefully reminded her. “You get up at four in the morning, you’re here all day, then you’re helping me with stuff at the salon, or seeing what we’re all up to and hanging out. When do you sleep? When do you take care of you?”

The question made her realize just what she’d been doing to herself for years. After releasing a shuddery breath, she met her sister’s concerned gaze. “I hate being alone,” she whispered. “There was a time when I didn’t mind it, but these last few years, I’ve grown to hate it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fine every once in a while, but I go home to my quiet house, it’s like the silence is mocking me.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything? We all thought you were…you know…living your best life.”

“You and Chloe and Levi are all so happy, I didn’t want to be the downer. Besides, it’s not like there’s anything any of you can do about it. This is about me and my stupid life.”

“Billie…”

They sat in companionable silence for several minutes and it was enough for Billie to decide she wasn’t in the mood for a pity party. She needed distractions more than anything.

“I’m going to spend way too much time thinking about this, so…would it be okay if we changed the subject?”

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