Page 59 of S.O.S. Billboard

“Uh, leave?” Billboard queried, floundering.

Without missing a beat, Doctor Ed called him on his assertion. “Which she’s already contemplating. And how doesthatmake you feel?”

“Sad.” Once that word popped out of his mouth, Billboard knew it wasn’t exactly right, and he quietly amended it. “Scared.”

“Ah. Now we’re getting somewhere. Yes, I’d say you’re scared. But you’re channeling your fear into anger so you feel as if you have more control over the situation.”

Billboard blinked. He…Shit.

That’s exactly what he was doing. Anger was a hell of a lot easier to digest than fear. He knew that well, from past experiences.

“Great. How come I couldn’t come to that realization in two days, when you figured it out in less than three minutes?” he grumped.

“That’s why you pay me the big bucks,” she quipped back. “The better question becomes, how are you going to fix it?”

“I… I’m going to try to be nice again?” he postulated.

“Well, there is that,” she agreed. “But don’t you think O’Shea is due an explanation?”

“You mean…tell her I’m scared?”

Billboard suddenly felt appalled. Fear was an emotion to which he’d never been able to admit.

When he’d been young and his father had died in the line of duty, Billboard had held things together for his mother, even though he’d been scared out of his wits. When he’d been tasked with doing certain things for his Force Recon unit while in the Marines, he’d never admitted to anyone that he’d come away from those…sessions to puke his guts out; his legs having turned to jelly once his dirty deeds had been accomplished. And when he’d joined SOS, no matter the job to which he was assigned, he did it without complaint. Always.

And now Doctor Ed was telling him to…

“Do you mean I should tell her why I am the way I am?” he asked, his horror over that suggestion digging into his gut.

“It’s not the first order of business, Billboard, but eventually, yes,” she agreed. “What I think you need to do now, to salvage whatever relationship you’re trying to build with O’Shea, is to reveal that you putting all your hopes into what might be growing between you, is truly terrifying.”

That’s exactly the word Billboard would use.Terrifying.

But it was equally as daunting to think that if hedidn’topen up, he’d lose O’Shea altogether.

“Okay,” he finally said.

“Okay, what?” Doctor Ed came back.

“Uh, okay, I’ll tell her I’m afraid, but then what?”

“Just see where it goes from there,” his therapist answered evenly. “Understand, this is a big step for you. During your last relationship with Peggy, you never came close to sharing your real feelings, nor did you want to. If that woman had put up with your grumpy, reticent ass for a year,youwould have just bumped along, oblivious. But with O’Shea, I sense there’s a lot more going on. This time, you’re vested in a positive outcome. That’s why you need to crack your locked door open just a bit, let a little of your angst through, and see what else might slip out.”

“What if I scare her away?” he questioned.

“Aren’t you already doing that by being non-communicative?”

“Touché,” he sighed. “Damn. This isn’t going to be easy.”

“A lot of things worth having, aren’t,” she confirmed.

Billboard agreed. “Listen, if I call you again in a half hour, be ready. It’ll mean everything blew up.”

The doctor’s voice turned soft. “I’ll be here for you, Billboard, but the optimist in me thinks that you opening up will make things better.”

Billboard prayed that would be the case, too. “Thanks, Doc,” he finished up.

“Any time, Billboard.”

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