Page 1 of Disorderly

Chapter One

Katy

I picked at the three-inch,crocheted fringe that hung at the bottom of my new shirt, not liking the way it looked as it skimmed over my waist, leaving a sliver of skin between it and the waistband of my matching jean skirt. I twisted and turned as I stared at my reflection in the full-length mirror in the privacy of my bedroom. A loud sigh escaped my lips.

“What’s wrong with it? You loved it in the store.”

My lips tightened into a straight line. Jason was right. In the store, I’d loved it. With it on, I’d felt confident and sexy while showing a little skin and my figure without revealing too much. It’s been tantalizing, a tease and he’d agreed. With liking how it looked, not the sexy part. At least not that either of us said even though I’d hoped he felt it since his gaze had both heated and softened when he’d looked at me. Or so my mind said. Probably wishful thinking on my part, but it’d been enough to agree with adding it to my new wardrobe. So why did it bother me now?

It's not like I’d worn less or tighter clothing in the recent past, but that had been before. Before the day that everything changed. No. That wasn’t true. I’d worn my skinny jeans, tank top, and a light slouchy sweater during the two therapist appointments and it hadn’t led to this sense of unease, this questioning. So it had to be something else… right?

I searched for differences and quickly came up with one. For the first time in a week, I was all alone. After my trip to the ER and mom learning about the sexual assault, she’d taken sick leave, staying home during her scheduled night shifts. And during the day, when she hadn’t been forcing me to see Shelly—a therapist which had been for the best despite my arguments against it—she hovered, never leaving me alone. We’d spent hours curled up on the couch in our PJs, watching movie marathons of all our old favourites, including the ones we’d watched with dad. Snack food and takeout surrounded us. Everything I needed to feel comfortable, safe, and cared for. Well, not quite everything since Jason, Peter, and even Jarrod weren’t there. Not that mom would have invited them despite having trusted Jason and Peter to look after me once I’d been released from the ER until her shift finished. No, she seemed to want to protect me from all males from the comments I heard her mutter when she thought I was in the bathroom—most often excuses so I could have a few moments of peace, to breathe, and to be by myself. A sentiment I agreed with when the memories hit, but I knew I couldn’t give into those ideas. Not when all I really wanted was to curl up in the bed on Jason’s chest while Peter and Jarrod surrounded me.

It was why I’d pushed back when mom offered to take some vacation days to stay home with me this week. Another week of staying locked up in this house with only her. I loved her—I really did—but it wasn’t what I needed. I wanted to feel normal again, like before. I didn’t want to become scared of people, scared of going out. And with school starting on Tuesday after the long weekend, I needed to know that I could function on my own. She hadn’t been happy, but she conceded when I reminded her that this was something Shelly suggested.

For the first hour or two it had been fine. I’d been too busy doing chores like stripping my bed and remaking it with fresh linens, prepping all my school supplies, and even cleaning the living room from our movie marathons. But once I exhausted that list and after I’d taken my shower, unease crawled over me like an electrical current, standing all the little hairs on my arms and setting my heart racing. And those feeling triggered my memories, forcing me to relive how those guys had cornered me in the pool. How they’d touched me in ways that I longed to be touched—just not by them or at that moment. A half-truth because if it had been Jason or Peter or even Jarrod doing those things to me at that moment, I would have loved it.

But that didn’t matter. At least that is what Shelly said when I told her those thoughts earlier in the week. Not their names of course because Voyageur Bay was a small town and with Peter being a teacher at my high school and my next-door neighbour, I didn’t want him to get into trouble. It might not have been that way between us—he certainly never touched me like with any romantic feelings behind them since I was like a little sister to him—but people sucked. People liked to make trouble for others by talking about things they knew nothing about. And my close relationship with Peter would have fit the bill. Especially for the women he’d slept with and then never called again.

“Katy,” Jason growled over the phone. A sound that should have had me quaking, but despite his intimidating looks with all his tattoos and muscles, I knew he was a giant teddy bear inside.

I traced my fingers along the off-the-shoulder neckline where it crossed my chest. Did it show too much cleavage? Not that you could see anything except a hint of the tops of my breasts, but was it enough to make a random guy want to touch them? Want to press me up against a wall and kiss me?

I squirmed. My underwear felt uncomfortably damp as my breath became ragged. It had been my dream for the last few years—or whenever I started to think about boys and sex in that good kind of way—to have a man sofilled with want—a phrase I got from one of the old romances I snuck to read—for me that he’d push me up against a wall and just take those kisses that needed more than life itself. And that’s what bothered me the most. I still wanted that. I wanted a man—really men—to take control like that. It’s why my body had been aroused when those guys at the water park did that to me even if I hadn’t wanted it to happen. They’d known I did. They even told me so.

A sob broke free before I could shove it down deep.

“Katy, sweetie. Talk to me.” There was no mistaking the concern and worry in Jason’s voice and it broke my heart. His only concern about leaving for this new project—something that would greatly help his company grow and expand—was that I’d need him after what happened. But I’d assured him I would be fine. That I could do this, yet I didn’t even last a full day on my own.

“It’s just, ugh. I don’t even know. I’m driving myself crazy being alone. I want to go out, but I don’t have anything to wear.” I was whining and I knew it but didn’t care.

I expected him to laugh at the absurdity of my complaints. After all, he knew all about my wardrobe. He’d been the one who took me shopping for most of my new clothes.

“Put me on video, sweetie. Then let’s talk it through.”

I flicked a few buttons on the phone and then turned it so that he could see my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t want to see his face because one look at him and I knew the tears would follow. And the last thing I wanted was for him to think that I wasn’t strong enough or grown-up enough for him. I needed him to know that I could do this, I could handle what life threw at me, even if I’d been the one to break down and call him, needing human interaction with someone. With him.

I pulled on the fringe, tightening the rest of it against skin above my belly button, showing how the fringe could both be seen through and didn’t touch the waistband of my skirt. “See. It shows off my skin at the waist. And isn’t it a little low cut?”

Unable to resist not seeing his face, I turned the phone back to face me before he answered my questions.

“It looks beau-ah, I understand. You did nothing wrong, Katy-bear. What you wore did not make those guys talk to you and do those things to you. Nor was it the fact that you are sweet, nice, and friendly. These guys did what they did because they didn’t respect you or other women. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“B-but I liked it.” A tear slipped down my cheek as my voice nearly died out.

“Of course your body liked it. Physical touch, sex, it’s pleasurable, but that doesn’t mean that you wanted it to happen. And trust me, it’ll feel a thousand times better when it’s with someone that you want it to happen with.” His eyes started to twinkle, and a hint of a smile toyed with his lips. “Tell me, didn’t our kiss feel better than anything they did to you?”

With a lot of effort, I resisted the urge to lift my hand and fan my face. I didn’t have to look in the mirror to know that my face was cherry red. What he said was true. While his—our—kiss had been completely different, softer and more meaningful, yet still domineering, it felt a thousand times hotter. And it was that kiss I dreamed of at night even if I woke in a panic thinking it was the way they kissed me. Stupid and crazy I knew, but my brain was all messed up.

“When do you see the therapist again?”

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. I liked her and she was nice, trustworthy even, but I was scared to say more than what was strictly related to what happened at the pool. I hadn’t even told her about my conflicting feelings about Peter. He was still one of the men I dreamed of, that I wanted to cuddle up with, but at the same time, I almost blamed him for what happened to me. If he hadn’t of left me alone, they wouldn’t have been able to corner me the way they did. My brain knew that he wasn’t to blame. He couldn’t spend all day with me in public like that when I was with other students. He was a teacher, and it would have looked strange. Maybe even raised some suspicions in the minds of some, wondering what a man of his age was doing with young women at a waterpark. And that was without them knowing that he was a teacher at our high school. It was always a concern when he was around and I was with friends, but not so much if it had just been me and him or with Jason and Jarrod. Those who knew us, including our principal, knew about our long friendship. They knew we lived next door to each other and how close we were. But for my peers or people not in the know… that would have read investigation all over it. It’s also why I hadn’t told Shelly about it.

“Um, Wednesday. She wanted me to see how school was and how I handled it.” I pulled at the neckline. The longer I talked with him, the more comfortable I became with what I was wore. At least in front of myself and him. Yet the thought of walking outside like this, having others see me, yeah, I wasn’t so sure.

“Do you think you can handle things until then? Because it doesn’t matter what you want, but what you need.”

I chewed on my lip. Could I handle things? I wasn’t so sure. Maybe if I wasn’t alone, with time to think and remember. What I really wanted was to be with Jason. He was my rock and my protector. Even more since Peter wasn’t home. A fact I was grateful for since I wasn’t sure if my conflicting thoughts and feelings about him would have allowed me to seek him out for comfort. All these feelings cloudedmy thoughts, making it difficult to decide.

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