Page 6 of Disorderly

And for the first time, I hesitated in sharing my pain with them. They should have been the ones I shared my story with. They were supposed to be my girls, the ones who could truly understand what it was like to be violated in that way. But the conflicting emotions inside me kept the words from coming out.

So, I knew that hurt, that feeling of being abandoned. I felt it, lived it, wrapped it up in my anger towards them. It was something I should be talking to them about, but I couldn’t. Not yet. Instead, I shrugged and apologized. “Sorry, I ended up with heat stroke and infection which kept me in bed for a few days. Then mom took me to a couple of appointments.”

“Heat stroke, that sucks.” The timber of her voice changed to the one she used when she pumped people for information, but acted like she didn’t care about what they revealed as she continued, “Stacey said there were some cute guys at pool that were from out of town. She swore she saw you with them, making it sound like you were hooking up with them.” Deena played with the ends of her long, blonde hair, examining it for split ends.

Her tone alone put me on edge, but when her words registered, everything stopped.Others saw me?!I didn’t know what to do. Did I stay and meet up with others, others who might have seen me with thoseguys? Or did I run back to the safety Jarrod provided? My feet started to make the decision for me, pulling me away from them, giving me space, giving me enough time to think clearly around my panic. It took everything to keep me from fleeing, to remind me that I couldn’t go with my gut instinct. Just one more lesson Shelly managed to pack into my two therapy sessions.

I took a deep breath and tried to think through the situation. My biggest fear was that someone saw; someone I knew. Which sounded like it happened. So why didn’t they report it or step in? They should have seen that I didn’t consent’ that it wasn’t my normal behaviour. It made me question the morality of my peers… unless they didn’t see anything. Maybe nothing more than me talking with them in line. That thought resonated with me. Stacey liked to gossip and so did many of the other girls. If they’d seen more, seen what happened in the pool, Sasha and Deena would have heard about. While they didn’t tend to spread gossip except to me, they always tended to hear it.

A sigh came with my exhale. Things couldn’t be as bad as I initially thought. Not if Sasha and Deena didn’t know more than what they already mentioned. With that realization, I knew I needed to continue to push my comfort zone and meet up with the others. It didn’t matter that my fingers were almost numb from how tightly I clenched my skirt or how my chest ached from the tight band that seemed to keep me from breathing properly. I needed to continue with the plan. If not, I doubted I’d be able to step a foot outside my door on Tuesday morning.

I just didn’t know what to say about the whole experience.

In the end, I decided to go with the truth. Or at least the part of the truth I could safely say. “N-no hooking up at all.”

“That sucks. Stacey said that they were hot. But then she also said that she couldn’t understand that they’d choose you over her, so we knew there was something suspicious with everything she said because you looked amazing in that new bikini.” Sasha grasped my forearm, centring herself within my focus as she leaned in closer to impart a secret. “Some of the guys in our class couldn’t keep their eyes off you and that made some of the girls a little jealous. So don’t be surprised if they’re meaner than normal.”

I rolled my eyes even as dread settled in my bones. Just what I needed, to have the girls at school find yet another reason to attack. They’d all been pissy with me since Peter—Mr. Evans to them—became a teacher and I refused to indulge in trying to set them up with him.

“Deena. Sasha. Katy. Over here.”

The sound of multiple voices called to us, putting an end to their grilling. And I’d never been so thankful to be surrounded by people. A strange feeling after not even wanting to be here. With my classmates around, while some people might still ask questions regarding Stacey’s claims, they’d be easier to push off and redirect.

I took a deep breath and shrugged off the lingering clamminess. With a forced smile on my face, I nodded to the group.“Kailee. Dave. Chris.”

“Isn’t this exciting?” Kailee squealed. “I’ve heard rumours that Josh and Jake are here withtheirgirl. Cheryl was ranting about her yesterday at practice, calling her a slut and telling everyone how she was sunbathing in the nude when the group showed up at their swimming pond.”

“I liked her.” Daisy popped out from behind Chris, taking a drink from the straw in her giant lemonade as we all stared at her. Jake and Josh were a grade ahead of us and not in our normal friend group. Voyageur Bay may have been a small town, but we still had our cliques at school. The townies, which we were, didn’t really hang out with the farm kids except for activities like sports, band, science clubs, and other organized activities. But outside of those things, we tended to stick with our own. And Jake and Josh were definitely farm kids. Not only did their parents own a large, successful horse ranch and their fathers’ former rodeo champions, they were probably the best up and coming rodeo champions in North America.

“And how did you meet her? And is she really with both of them?” Deena rushed from my side to Daisy’s, wrapping her arm around Daisy’s shoulders.

Redness covered Daisy’s cheeks as she ducked her head, allowing her sleek, black, bob cut to cover her face. “I might have been there with Danny.”

“Really?” Kailee rubbed her hands together. “Danny—”

“And she wasn’t nude,” Daisy jumped in, switching the topic away from herself and back to the mystery girl. “She was wearing her swimsuit, but had the straps undone while she suntanned her back. But Cheryl and Cami, they both took off their tops and strutted around trying to get the guys to look at their boobs.”

I cringed at the thought even though it didn’t surprise me. Cheryl was a bitch extraordinaire. And delusional to boot. Yet somehow, she was also extremely popular. Teachers loved her. Students voted for her to be president of whatever group she ran for. She was even the co-head cheerleader. But, no one I knew or talked to really liked her.

The deeper we walked into the fairgrounds, the larger the crowd that surrounded us, yet, with my friends and classmates at my side, I didn’t feel the overwhelming panic I’d previously felt. It made me feel relieved and a little less like I was going crazy. I mean, crowds had never bothered me before so why should one matter now?

The light, greasy, tangy smell of carnival food intensified. My stomach rumbled. Other than the cinnamon bun and the caramel apple slices with Jarrod, food had been hit or miss—mainly miss—for the past week.

“Someone’s hungry.” Sasha hip checked me, drawing the attention of the others in our group.

“Shh,” I admonished, but it was no use. They all stared, making my cheeks heat.

“I could go for some food before rides.” Dave rubbed his flat stomach. He’d been a starter for our football team since freshman year since he’d always been one of the bigger guys in our grade all the way through elementary school. But now that I looked at him, I swore he’d grown ever larger. His shoulders looked like they were about to burst out of his t-shirt which stretched over his chest. Stretched so tight it almost looked like it was one he wore in Junior High. One that was several sizes too small.

“You’re always eating.”

“And you’re jealous, Chris, because I’m a growing boy.” Dave flexed his biceps—pushing the stretch factor of the material to its breaking point—before twisting his neck to kiss them. Chris pushed his glasses up with his middle finger, rubbing his finger up and down his nose at Dave. Chuckles fell from my mouth, surprising me. It was the most normal thing that I’d done since everything happened. These two, despite their differences, had been best friends since kindergarten when Chris told some older boys to back off when they were pushing Dave around, thinking he was older.Yet it didn’t stop them from chucking shit at each other.

As they continued to bicker, us, girls, ignored them, leaving them to their discussion about muscles, food, and workouts as we headed over to the food trucks.

“I can’t believe you’re hungry.” Kailee’s gaze roamed over me, lingering on the sliver of belly skin between my top and the waistband of my hip hugging skirt. The urge to pull my shirt down and to suck in my gut hit hard, but I ignored it. If anyone else looked at me the way she did, I wouldn’t have, but this was Kailee and I’d known her forever. She’d fallen into the usual teenage trap of wanting to be popular which to her meant thin, fashionable, and boy crazy. But under all that, she was a good soul and worked hard. Unlike Cheryl, her idol, Kailee never said anything bad about someone. She may insinuate it, but she never said it. And even when she made a comment like this one, I knew she didn’t mean the way it sounded. After all, she’d been one of the first people to hug me and tell me how proud she was of me for taking such a big step forward wearing the bikini at the waterpark.

“And you must be hot, wearing all that. So, we’re definitely grabbing some cold drinks.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders, leading me to one of those giant lemon stands. My nose wrinkled. I liked lemonade but wasn’t so keen on these ones. They were always a little too tart and harsh for me.

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