Page 4 of Disorderly

“Kitty-Kat”—he leaned down, pressing his lips to my forehead—“I won’t leave your side for a second. By the end of today, you’ll be begging me to leave you alone.”

He stared at me, waiting for a response but I couldn’t give him one. His statement, his actions, it was all overwhelming. And that kiss, as chaste as it was, did something inside of me. It melted some of the icy fear that surrounded my heart. He made me feel safe, like Jason did. Why hadn’t I come to him sooner? It would have saved Jason the heartache of having to listen to me freak out while he was busy. I knew what it did to Jason to be so far away from me during this time. He’d even delayed his initial start date on the project, wanting to make sure I’d be okay without him here.

I was selfish.

And I vowed I’d stop being that way.

Before I could get my brain and my mouth to work together, he pulled me in for another quick hug before grabbing my hand with one of his while his other one snagged a white box from the counter. He dragged me back to the living room, indicating for me to sit on the couch. “Here.” He thrust the box at me. The scent of cinnamon and sugar made my mouth water. “I picked up some cinnamon buns from Buns by the Bay this morning. Eat one while I finish getting ready. Then we’ll grab whatever you need and head off, okay?”

I squeezed his fingers. “Thank you. That sounds perfect.”

See Katy. Jason was right. Jarrod would look after you like he would.And I had to agree with that annoying, smug voice in my head. I mean fresh cinnamon buns. He would have had to get up early to grab them. And since Peter wouldn’t be home until tomorrow, he probably picked some up with me in mind. I couldn’t fight the grin that formed on my lips as I opened the box. My mouth flooded as the scent surrounded me, forcing me to lick my lips in anticipation. Just thinking about them had my stomach growling. A good sign since I barely ate for the past week.

The smile he gave me nearly blinded me. It melted the icy fear that filled me like an ice cube until a heat lamp. Maybe, just maybe, I’d be okay this afternoon, in public, with him.

And even if I wasn’t, at least my stomach would be full of ooey, gooey, sweet goodness from the baked treat.

* * *

Less than two hours later, I found myself following Jarrod into the fairgrounds, carrying a box full of pamphlets. A vendor pass hung around my neck, allowing me early entrance. Despite that, everywhere I looked, people surrounded me. And with the sun beating down, I felt that I was under a microscope. Something for everyone to dissect and examine.

An arm brushed against me. I jumped, pulling away even as I heard a hurried apology from the person storming off in the opposite direction.Stupid Katy, stupid. They don’t want to harm you. They’re not watching you.But no matter how many times I told myself that, it didn’t stop the muscles in my back and neck from tightening as my breathing started to race.Craptastic! I can’t do this. I really can’t. There’s too many people.

The world around me grew fuzzy, but then Jarrod was there, staring into my eyes as he pulled the box from my arms. His mouth opened and closed as if he was speaking, but I couldn’t hear a thing.

No. This couldn’t be happening again. I’d already suffered too many breakdowns today to experience another. I forced myself to hold my next breath and counted to four before it rushed out of my lips. I pulled in another one, holding it again, and this time I managed to slow my exhale. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better than the one before. I repeated the steps time and time again, even after I felt Jarrod’s hands, sliding up and down my forearms, and I could hear his words.

“You’re doing great, Kitty-Kat. That’s it. Keep doing those blowfish breaths.”

His warm hands helped to ground me. I wasn’t alone. He didn’t leave me behind. I smiled up at him. “I did it. I made it through the crowd.”

“You did.” This time when he leaned in, he pressed a kiss to the top of my nose.

My cheeks heated causing me to pull away. Attempting to hide my reaction, I cleared my throat. “I-it’s hotter than I expected. Glad you’re under a tent.”

A low chuckle left his lips, but I refused to look at him, convinced I’d see a knowing smirk on his lips. I tried to keep my crush on them a secret, under tight wraps, but a sneaking suspicion clawed at me, telling me he knew. And I wasn’t ready to face that. It still boggled my mind that Jason kissed me. Like really kissed me. Most days I thought I dreamed it, a hallucination from my heat stroke and infection. But whenever we talked on the phone or video called, he always slipped in a little reference to it or to how he said he’d wait for me, proving that it happened.

But just because Jason said those things, it didn’t mean Jarrod could possibly feel the same. Not when he was busy dating up a storm. At least Jason hadn’t been with anyone for months before he kissed me. Besides, I didn’t need to borrow trouble. Even if the miraculous happened and Jarrod was interested in me, I’d never be able to choose between them. And from what I’d witnesses, the only sharing Jarrod did was with multiple women. Something I really wasn’t into.

Get a grip, Katy. You like Jason and he’s all you need.Yet even as I made that vow, my body rebelled, acting as if it knew I lied and was displeased.

Thankfully, Jarrod spoke, breaking the tension that coiled within me. “Inside the box you carried, I put a couple of bottles of orange juice in a cooler bag for you. The sugar will help.”

I tossed a thank you over my shoulder as I brushed passed him to the table where my box rested. I lifted out the top stack and found the cooler. Not only did he pack the juice, but he also packed a container of cut, mixed fruits, and a dip. My favourite snack on a hot day. The iron bands of my earlier vow weakened, melting under the proof of his caring. It was actions like these that drew me to him. Actions that made me feel seen and cared for. And the reason why I’d never be able to choose between them. I was so screwed.

After drinking down half the bottle, I felt stable enough to engage with him again. “What would you like me to do?”

When I didn’t hear an answer, my heart plummeted.He left me!But before the pity party could roar into life, I heard the side of the tent ruffle and Jarrod’s voice call out, “Ow. Fuck I’m out here. I could use your help putting up the sign. It seems to be a two-person job.”

A shaky laugh escaped. What in the world was wrong with me? Really, I shouldn’t be this jumpy. Not when I told myself that I was done with being selfish. I should have trusted Jarrod. He’d shown me over and over again that he cared. He even brought orange juice for me, anticipating that I’d need the hit of sugar after a panic attack.Get a grip, Katy! You can do this. You are doing this.After my little pep talk, I stopped out of the tent, not even caring that I was back amongst all the people. “What do you need me to do?”

“Are you good with heights and ladders?” Not waiting for an answer, he continued, “If you can climb up and attach this end, I can hold the other side high enough, so it doesn’t pull. Then you can move the ladder to my side and attach the banner.”

“Sure thing.” And without thinking about all the people around me—despite hearing them talk and laugh around me—I climbed the ladder, enjoying the fact I had a task to do. To blindly follow directions kept my mind free. Something that should have scared me because every other time my mind was left to its own devices, I relived what happened in the pool. But this time, my mind stayed blessedly empty. Peaceful. Calm. All things I desperately craved.

It took only a few minutes before the one side was attached. And a couple of minutes later, so was the second. By the time my feet touched the ground for the second time, I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over my face. I’d done it! A few people even stopped to say hi or to welcome Jarrod to town, yet I never panicked. My breathing didn’t even hitch.

“It looks great,” he said as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, drawing me into his side. “Now everyone will know we’re here and where to find us.” He led us back into the tent as he continued to talk. “Now we just need to set up the table with the pamphlets and sign-up sheets. The standing signs need to be erected around the tent and then we’ll be all ready.” He glanced down at his watch. “And I think we’ll even have time to grab some good fair food before the gates open.”

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