Page 27 of Disorderly

Or so I thought.

The moment I heard Jarrod’s greeting in that hesitant tone he used as if he’d been dreading my phone call, it set me off. “What the fuck were you boneheads thinking? If you wanted to tell people that you were fucking, you should have told Katy first instead of blindsiding her.”

“Shit.” The sound of Jarrod’s breathing increased over the phone as he headed into a panic attack. Obviously, he hadn’t thought about how their actions affected Katy. And that alone told me almost everything. If this had been a plan that Jarrod had been involved in, he would have thought to talk to Katy beforehand. For there was one constant with Jarrod… he liked control and order and to have that, he overanalyzed everything, looking at it forwards, backwards, sideways, and even upside-down.

“Take a deep breath. In through the nose, hold, hold, and out through the mouth.” Peter and I coached at the same time. It took a couple of minutes until I breathed a sign of relief as Peter’s breathing sounded normal.

“That’s my fault.” I nodded at Peter’s words even though they couldn’t see me. “I didn’t even tell Jarrod before I did it. Krissy was badgering Katy again, trying to get close to me, and I knew the only way to stop her, to stop the others, was to let them know I wasn’t single. Another woman wouldn’t stop them, but knowing I was with a man would.”

My eyebrows rose at his explanation. “So you did this for Katy?”

Peter took a deep breath, but when he spoke it was clear, determined, and full of sincerity. “I did. And for me as well.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. Fuck. How did I deal with this? His actions were noble—like most of the other times he hurt Katy—but this time it was extremely serious and had a wider reach of repercussions. As much as Katy was my main concern, I pushed her to the side in my mind. There wasn’t much I could do to alleviate her feelings of hurt and betrayal at the moment. Not when I’d be adding to it when I came clean to her about my involvement. But on the off chance that she’d be willing to give us another chance, to forgive us, forgive me, I’d need to know more about how they planned to play out this relationship in public. That way I could explain everything to her, get everything out on the table. And maybe then, she’d forgive us.

“So how are you planning to play this? What does this mean?”

“Well, I asked Jarrod to be my boyfriend.” The happiness and pride in Peter’s voice was unmistakable. And while I was happy for him, for taking such a big, mature step, it didn’t stop me from feeling like I’d been kicked in the balls. My breath rushed out and my hands clenched the steering wheel as my foot pressed on the gas, sending the speedometer spinning.

The backend spun.Oh shit! I relaxed my grip on the wheel, keeping the wheel straight as I eased off the gas.You need to keep better control of your emotions. You need to arrive alive.

Yet even as I went through my own mental anguish at his words, I heard the loud gasp that came from Jarrod and then an umph from Peter, probably from Jarrod hitting him.

I swallowed my hurt and offered my congratulations. But something in my voice along with the earlier hit from Jarrod must have triggered an understanding of how I’d taken his comment because he was quick to explain. “I did, but it doesn’t change anything.” Jarrod snorted in the background. “Fuck. I’m still messing everything up.”

The self-recrimination in Peter’s voice stopped the hurt from burying deeper within me. Poor Peter, always trying to do the right thing, to protect those he loved, yet it always went sideways. And after nearly thirty years, I should have known not to take his words the way they came out. Knowing that he would spiral into guilt and make things worse, I knew it was up to me to get to the root of what he actually meant. “Let’s try to dumb this down for me. What does your relationship together mean for me? How do I fit in or don’t I?

The sigh of relief from Jarrod made me smile. He must have had similar questions—actually I knew he did, and they were probably driving him nuts since it sounded like he hadn’t spoken about them to Peter.

“This would be so much easier to do face-to-face, so I knew what you were thinking,” Peter grumbled, making me laugh. While Peter had no issues standing up in front of a giant classroom of students and speaking about books and literature, talking about feelings was a completely different ball game. More along the lines of pulling teeth that weren’t loose and without anesthetic. Yet I didn’t remember him being that way as a kid. Maybe it started because he had to hide part of himself. Or maybe it wasn’t so much hiding, but that he didn’t accept part of himself.

I’d been openly bi since starting high school, having confided how I felt attracted to both males and females to Mr. Nelson—Katy’s father. He’d told me to be true to myself and to be proud of who I was because he was. But Peter never did that. I don’t believe he ever acknowledged that he was attracted to males as well as females. Not when he only allowed himself to fool around with me and Jarrod.

“Then let’s try something even simpler. Are we still best friends?”

“Yes.” The answer came so quickly and so loud over the speakers that I nearly jumped in my seat.

“Are we still lovers?” I’d never used that term for us before, but I wanted to shock him. Lovers seemed different than fuck buddies and I didn’t want to be one of those anymore. I wanted us to be lovers, to be together like he was claiming Jarrod.

This time the answer took a little longer, but when he agreed, I let out the breath that I’d been holding. “And do you feel the same, Jarrod?”

“Yes. The three of us are a unit. I couldn’t choose between you.”

“See. This is what I meant when I said nothing has changed. We’re still together like before.” I couldn’t stop that laugh that burst from me. For a near genius, Peter could sure be dumb at times. And this was one of them. Things were not the same. Not if he was calling Jarrod his boyfriend. The public would see them as a couple. Everyone would assume that they were gay. Something that neither one of them had any inkling as to how their lives would change with that knowledge out there. They’d never been the victim of bullying, of harassment due to their sexual orientation. I had. I knew how it felt, how it hurt deeper, cut deeper, even if you were proud and strong. It didn’t matter that I didn’t believe the words hurled at me, that I let them roll right of my back, they still burrowed in, repeating themselves when I was weak.

“Why are you laughing? Both of you?” I could imagine how Peter sat next to Jarrod, pouting with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Things are completely different,” I told him once I stopped laughing. “Everyone will treat the two of you as a gay couple. They’ll assume there’s no one else. And if anyone happens to see you with me or suspect that I’m more than a friend with one of you, they’ll tell everyone that you’re cheating. There also won’t be any more women from the local area. Not unless you want them to truly believe that you’re cheating. Are you ready for all that? Are you ready for the slurs and comments?”

“Shit. I didn’t think of all that.”

“And that’s just scratching the surface,” Jarrod added. “Thanks for bringing all those things up, Jason. They’d been rattling around in my brain, but I wasn’t sure how to say them.”

“And we haven’t even spoken about Katy? How does she factor in? What are we going to say? If we want to have a chance with her—”

“When she’s older. Much older,” Peter interjected, making me roll my eyes. At least he hadn’t protested the idea of her being with us which was progress… maybe.

“—we need to make sure she understands the relationship between us now and that we’re opening to having her, but only her, join us,” I finished.

---