Page 24 of Disorderly

Before I lost my nerve, I blurted, “Did-you-know-about-Peter-and-Jarrod?”

Silence filled my ears other than the rapid beat of my heart. And the longer I waited for him to answer, the more soul sank into despair. He knew. He had to have known. I wanted to puke. I took a deep breath, my first since I spoke, making me realize that I really hadn’t given him a true chance to answer. The nausea settled but didn’t completely go away.

And then he answered, “Know what about Peter and Jarrod?”

His calm answer steadied my nerves even if I hated being the one breaking the news to him. At least I could be nicer to him then they’d been to me. Yet even as I began to tell him, something pricked at my consciousness. “They are together. As in a relationship.”

“I see.” His calm voice sent tingles of concern through me. There was something I was missing. His words may not have indicated any prior knowledge, but it also didn’t indicate any surprise. “And how did you find this out?”

“Today. At the school. After the football game, Peter kissed Jarrod.”

“Oh.” When Jason didn’t continue, I knew. He knew. He knew all along and never told me. My heart shattered. Now what was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to talk to, to spill my secrets to? Because I couldn’t tell him any longer. Not when he didn’t trust me. Not like I trusted him. I told him everything about the incident at the waterpark. I told him how I was so confused. How I’d hated what they’d done to me, kissing me, touching me, surrounding me while at the same time, their actions had turned me on. How I discovered that if it had been someone or more than someone else, I would have loved it.

“Wait. Did you say Peter kissed Jarrod? At the field? In front of everyone?”

“Yes.” I could barely control my anger to answer him. Not that it mattered because he almost didn’t wait for an answer before he continued.

“Listen, Katy. I’ve got to go. Talk later.”

And then he was gone, leaving the dial tone in his wake.

I dropped my phone, picked up the closest pillow and threw it across the room. I needed an outlet for my anger and hurt. Unfortunately, the pillow falling gently to the floor wasn’t enough. “Arggg! How could he do that to me? How could they?”

I wanted to stomp across the floor, down the stairs, and across to Peter’s house where I could yell at them. But I wouldn’t. I wasn’t brave enough to do it. Instead I flopped onto my bed, shoved my face into the pillow, and let the tears fall.

Tears I had to stifle when I heard the front door open, and my mother enter. I gulped in some air and attempted to wrestle my emotions under control. The last thing I wanted tonight was for my mom to come in and wonder what happened. She’d never leave my room until she pried the story from me. And I really couldn’t handle finding out that she knew about their relationship. That would finish me off.

Quietly, I slid under my sheets and focused on slowing my breathing. I cuddled into one pillow while pressing the other against my back—the way I normally slept. And then I prayed. Prayed that if she opened the door to check, she wouldn’t come in.

My prayers were answered. She poked her head in, whispered an “I love you” and then closed the door, latching it before heading back down the stairs to her room.

Only then did I allow myself to fall apart.

Chapter Seventeen

Jarrod

I slammedthe front door behind me, glad that neither Katy, her mother, or Peter were home. The other neighbours I wasn’t worried about. There were nice enough to wave and say hi to, but I didn’t really know them. And they wouldn’t bother to come over to find out the reason for the slamming door whereas Katy or her mother would want to talk about it. I loved them for caring, but right now, I needed to time to assess my feelings.

And I didn’t have much time before Peter returned.

I rubbed my fingers over my lips, remembering the feel of his on mine. It had been different than the few kisses we’d shared in the past. This one had been demanding and pleading. Yet initially it felt like a show. It’s why I didn’t respond immediately.

But then his kiss lost the theatrics. It became real and heartfelt. He’d pull me closer, coaxing me, begging me into giving in.

And I did.

I’d melted against him, forgetting where we were. Forgetting that hundreds, if not thousands, of people watched. I’d told him without using words what I felt for him, how I loved him. Something I’d never expressed before because that wasn’t the type of relationship we had. We had sex. We had a friendship. But never once did we ever suggest to one another that it was a relationship. That we would call each other boyfriend.

And that was the crux of the problem. We never talked about it.

I probably wouldn’t have cared if he’d done that here. In the house. In private. We could have spoken about it. Seen if this was what we really wanted. But he never gave me that curtesy. He took that decision away from me, informing everyone in the crowd that we were together.

A crowd that went crazy with the knowledge. A crowd that never knew either of us were bisexual. None of them ever saw us with a man. Women yes. Peter, in some circles, was known to be a player and some of them probably considered me one as well if they heard about some of the parties we threw. But a man… never. In fact, Peter had only ever been with me and Jason. He’d never been with another man.

So it hadn’t been surprising that chaos ensued. Teachers, students, other alum were all asking Peter for details, wanting to know how long we’d been together. And with each answer, Peter deepened the lie, making everything a bigger mess.

Chaos. A mess. Everything I hated. None of this was done in an orderly manner. None of it followed a logical routine. It upset my carefully planned environment.

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