Page 117 of Hope & Harmony

I smiled, and my chest seized. He’d often express the sweetest things. Still, I couldn’t just open my mouth and be sincere with him, tell him what I felt, because every last insecurity that was buried deep within my bones would consume me, bordering on the point of pain.

The truth was I was falling for him. I was only sixteen but felt much older. Mature beyond my years. It had always been that way for me, having to grow up fast and mostly alone. You don’t realize how much of your childhood affects the person you become, the person you are. How memories shape your life, your feelings, and most importantly yourlove.

“Do you mean that?” I asked, my heart beating fast.

“Here’s another thing you need to know about me, Hayley. I don’t say anything I don’t mean. Since we started hanging out, I find myself doing all sorts of shit I’ve never done before, and I don’t want it to end.”

“You don’t?”

“Do you?”

I shook my head.

“Words, sweetness. I need to hear you say it.”

I took a deep breath, admitting, “I like being with you too, Joshua. Although I can’t say I noticed you in science class in sixth grade. I was a mess back then. I didn’t notice a lot of things. It’s why David is my best friend. He’s the first person to everwant to get to know me, and I learned a lot about myself through our friendship.”

“What’s that?”

“I have a hard time letting people in, and when push comes to shove, I do the pushing and shoving. I guess it’s how I survived my mother. You know?”

“I know.” He was weighing his words. I could tell by the expression on his face.

“Just ask me, Joshua.”

“Alright. Well, what about me? You want to push me away too?”

“Yes … no … I don’t know. I don’t want to get hurt, and I know you definitely break hearts, but at the same time, I like being around you. These last two months have been fun, and I like you. A lot.”

He smiled wide. “I like you a lot too.”

Hearing him say those six words meant everything to me. I could feel my guard coming down more and more with him, and for someone who had suffered so much abuse as I had, it was a hard pill to swallow.

“How about I promise you I won’t hurt you, if you promise me that you and David won’t have sleepovers anymore. Deal?”

“You’ve heard about that?”

“Amongst other things.”

“I can assure you that most are made-up lies. We’ve never kissed, we’ve never even held hands. Sure, we’ve had sleepovers, but he stays on his side of the bed, and I do the same. We don’t cuddle if that’s what you’re imagining. It’s not like that between us. I don’t feel for David what I feel for you when we’re together. The love I have for him is just brotherly.”

My heart dropped when he jerked back, and the expression on his face quickly turned somber, then he bit out …

“You love him?”

CHAPTER 4

JOSHUA

I eyed her skeptically.

“You know there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with them, right? I love David, but I’m not in love with him, Joshua.”

It’d been three months since Hayley turned my world upside down and two months since we’d started hanging out.

I held her hand.

I kissed her lips.

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