Page 5 of Victorious Vice

But then I think things through. Vinnie wouldn’t want me there. Regardless of how I feel about him in this moment, I know one thing for sure. He wants me safe.

Would it be dangerous for me to go to the burial? Is that what the text is supposed to mean?

“I changed my mind,” I say to Jared. “Let’s just go home.”

“All right. And I’ll look into the text message. See if I can figure out where it came from.”

I simply nod and let him lead me to our vehicle.

And I wonder…

I wonder why the universe allowed me to live, showed me this truly amazing love, only to take it away.

How is that fair?

When I was lying in bed, so sick I almost wished for death, I thought about life. About what is fair and what is foul. About how we don’t really have a choice in the matter.

It’s so true.

Caroline Gallo seemed perfectly healthy to me. Of course I don’t know what her medical records showed.

But a heart attack?

I know they’re more common in women than people tend to realize, but that doesn’t make them normal. Especially for a woman in her fifties who is in otherwise good health.

Then again… I always took care of myself too. I have very few vices other than Orange Crush. It’s full of sugar and preservatives and I should really give it up, but my illness taught me to enjoy the little things in life.

Yes, it all comes back to my illness. There are two periods in my life. Before cancer and after it.

And in the before-cancer days, I took care of myself. Exercised, ate well for the most part.

And still I got sick.

I have to give it to cancer. It doesn’t discriminate.

It doesn’t play fair.

Life doesn’t play fair.

I had to accept that when I was sick. I had to accept that I got the raw end of some deal even though I didn’t deserve it.

Hell, does anyone everdeservecancer?

Of course not. No one does. I wouldn’t wish what I experienced on my worst enemies.

A list of people that seems to grow with each passing day…

Now that I kicked cancer’s ass, thanks to my brother’s bone marrow, don’t I have the right to live the rest of my life in peace? To enjoy every sunrise and sunset? Without being in danger?

I fucking deserve all of that.

I deserve a lot of things.

But I suppose fate will decide what I actually get.

And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

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