Page 48 of Falling for the Forward

“Girls, you get up there with them for a picture,” Suki says.

“But you should be in it, too,” Charlotte says.

Suki hesitates. I know what she’s thinking. That this is the only Christmas she’ll be part of our family.

“We’ll do both,” she says. “I’ll take one and then use a timer for one of all of us.”

I can’t believe the girls would rather do these photos than tear into their gifts. Rachel and I would barely let our mom pee on Christmas mornings because we were so eager to open presents.

“Okay,” Suki says when the photos are done. “Do you guys want to check out your stockings now?”

We have the stockings Rachel made for them. She was learning to quilt and she created a quilted stocking for each of them. Olivia’s expression clouds with sadness as she looks at hers, running her fingers over the fabric.

“Those stockings are beautiful,” Suki says gently.

“Our mom loved Christmas,” Olivia says, her gaze on the stocking.

“Especially the Grinch,” Charlotte says. “She made Grinch punch on Christmas and decorated our house with Grinch stuff.”

I never went to Rachel’s to spend Christmas with her and her girls. She invited me every year, and I’d send her gifts and a big check. I wish the pain I felt over that could be physical instead of emotional because it hurts in a way that’s almost unbearable.

When I had the chance to be with them, I chose a workout and football instead. Maybe dinner with a teammate and his family. What a cold asshole I am. If I didn’t have custody of the girls now, would I have ever spent a Christmas morning with them?

The silence stretches, Suki letting the girls sit with their feelings instead of glossing over them. Somehow she always knows when to soothe the pain and when to give it some space.

“It’s Darling!” Hallie squeals with happiness and holds up a little stuffed pig.

Charlotte unwraps a gray beanie from her stocking next, grinning and putting it on.

The sadness slides away as the girls start opening all the little gifts Suki bought for their stockings, wrapped in tissue paper. I went shopping with her once, but she did a lot of it herself. She knows the girls’ tastes better than I do.

I don’t realize how much work she’s done until I see the girls opening gift after gift, each item the perfect size and style. They all get a lot of clothes and they seem really happy about it.

“Uggs!” Olivia is giddy as she pulls a gray boot from a box. “I love them!”

I’m surprised when Suki hands me several gifts. She got me three new biographies, a travel reading light so I can read when I’m flying between cities, a nice leather messenger bag, two new ties and some ‘Cereal Killer’ socks.

She knows me. I’ve never had a relationship with a woman that didn’t start with sex, so this is unfamiliar territory for me. All my other relationships were based around sex and sometimes we happened to get to know each other.

“This is amazing!” Suki holds up the T-shirt that Olivia picked out for her, which has a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsberg and says, “You Can’t Handle the Ruth.”

“You told us you love her, so I thought you’d like it.” Olivia was very proud of finding that shirt online.

The girls helped me pick out all of Suki’s gifts other than the necklace. We got her a scarf, an avocado-shaped coffee mug and a spa gift certificate.

Once all the gifts are opened, Suki tells the girls to move their stuff to their rooms so Darling doesn’t destroy anything. They’re all upstairs and I’m picking up wrapping paper and stuffing it into a trash bag when she approaches me, running a fingertip over the vine on her necklace.

“This was so generous and sweet of you,” she says softly. “I’m overwhelmed.”

“I’m glad you like it.”

Her expression turns to longing. I let go of the garbage bag and put a hand on her lower back, pulling her against me in a fluid motion.

Her eyes widen as she looks up at me, her lips slightly parted. I can’t fight it anymore. I kiss her, only the first few seconds soft and slow. A little moan comes from her mouth as she melts into me, wrapping her arms around my neck.

She fits against me perfectly. Once I get a taste, my hunger for her is insatiable. I kiss her deeper, lifting her off her feet so we’re molded together. She slides her fingers into my hair.

“Darling, no!”

---