Page 119 of Roses and Skulls

I nod. “I don’t think I knew how much of that hurt I was still holding on to. When I was young, she had an opportunity to be my savior but instead she became my enemy. I’m sorry she sent her son here to hurt you. You and grandpa paid the price. I didn’t know how much of a threat she would end up being,” I tell my daughter. I sit up, crossing my legs in front of me. She also rises, mirroring me.

“I didn’t think she could hurt me anymore than she already had, but when she started talking about incest and…” I look at Billie Rose, her soulful, trusting eyes blink back at me. Blowing out a long breath, I continue, “I saw red, Billie Rose, I’m sorry you had to see that.”

My eyes drop to our bloody hands, and I let out a mirthless laugh. “Some mother I turned out to be.”

Her gaze drops to where mine is. “You are the best mother any girl could ask for,” she whispers.

“I’ve kept you sheltered in this warehouse, using your father to keep you secluded from the rest of the world, all in the name of keeping you safe. It was all for nothing.” I drop my head, ashamed, thinking about all the things my baby girl missed out on. All because of my own fear.

My daughter and her old soul, lifts my face with the pad of her finger, forcing me to face her. “Don’t give them any more power over you. You’ve suffered long enough for the sins of others. You did not kill grandpa and you did not rape me. Draven did and there is not one other person to blame.”

“How did you get so wise?” I ask, cupping her chin in my palm.

“Well, if you must know, I was schooled by a whole club of outlaw bandits,” she says, wiping her eyes.

My daughter is brave. Braver than I’ve ever been. She is better than me.

I place my hand on her knee, squeezing gently. “Do you want to talk about it?” I ask hesitantly.

She shakes her head. “I don’t remember what happened,” she admits. While that brings me some relief, knowing that she will not have to see the images when she shuts her eyes each night, it worries me. Will she spend the rest of her days fighting with her mind, knocking on doors, hoping to find the one that holds those memories?

“After Jimmy and his friends hurt me,” I say, pausing to swallow the bile rising up my throat, “I was lost, the only thing that saved me was Dan and the guys. Mostly Dan though. He’s saved me so many times, I’ve lost count. He even bought me a morning after pill. I hadn’t even thought to think about the consequences of what had happened to me…” my words trail off.

Billie Rose sucks in a quick breath.

“It was a hard decision. One that I still think about today. I know it does no good to contemplate all the what ifs…” I stop myself. “But after that, everything fell into place, and I married your father and then I got you.” I let my fingers trail over her cheek.

She grabs my fingers and squeezes them. “Dan is one of my best friends too,” she tells me with tears in her eyes.

“Just please don’t shut down,” I beg of her. “I can’t bear the thought of you losing your voice again. When you need someone to talk to, find someone you can trust. It doesn’t have to be me, just someone safe.” My heart beats fast in my chest, the furry I felt before, banging against my rib cage. I need to paint. I need to let the pain out through my brush.

She nods, her eyes drooping sleepily. “I’m tired, mom,” she says as she falls back against the pillows, her dark hair fanning out over the crisp white pillowcase.

I finish cleaning the rest of the blood from her skin as she drifts to sleep, then I move over to the window seat. I’m not leaving. Tonight, I sit vigil over my daughter, wondering why there has to be so much evil in the world.

An answer never comes but it doesn’t matter, because tomorrow the sun will rise. And we will all be stronger for it. Even my baby. She is hurting but each crack to her kind heart will strengthen her. Some day she will have a child of her own and she will be better than me. And that makes everything I’ve been through worth it.

With each generation comes an opportunity to make this world a better place and I still have hope that someday there won’t be so much evil residing here.

I’ll always be that young girl, holding on to roller skate dreams and rainbow beginnings.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Billie Rose

My eyes blink open as a ray of sunshine cuts across my face. The curtains billow as a soft breeze blows in through the window. I sit up to find Elijah sitting in the window seat, a lit cigarette hanging out his mouth.

The corners of my mouth turn down in a frown. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smoke. He must feel my eyes on his back because he flicks the cigarette from his fingers and pulls the screen closed.

When his eyes meet mine, he smiles wide. “So, what kind of crazy shit are we doing today?” he asks.

My shoulders fall in relief, he’s still the same Elijah. He looks at me just like he has our entire lives. “Oh, well, I thought we could go shooting at Dan’s. I think I would like to learn.”

Elijah jumps to his feet and claps his hands together before pulling his phone out and texting, no doubt, my uncle. “Done.” He slides it back in his pocket and stalks over to me, taking my mouth like he owns it. And I guess he does… for now.

“Let’s shower and then we’ll head over there.” His phone dings and he glances at it quickly. “All set up.” His fingers wrap around mine as he pulls me from the bed.

I know what he’s doing. What they will all be doing, keeping me on my toes, making me put one foot in front of the other. I’ve heard my mother say it many times over the years, it’s engrained in my brain. To be honest it was all that got me through some of the early days after my grandfather passed.

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