Page 45 of Roses and Skulls

When the chill of the night air has me shivering, dad walks us back to his truck and helps me inside. We don’t say anything on the short ride home.

Mom is waiting by the door when we get there.

“I’m tired. It’s been a long day,” I tell her.

She nods before giving me a kiss on the forehead. “Go on, get some sleep.” She slaps me lightly on the butt and shoves me towards the stairs.

When I get to the top, I look down and see them holding each other. I swallow the lump in my throat and head to my room. I leave the light off and walk over to the window seat, pushing the curtains aside. The moon is reflecting off the lake. It’s so bright I can clearly see the dock. “I wish you were down there fishing. You always had the best advice, and I could use some about now. Today was a mess,” I whisper aloud.

My bedside lamp turns on, revealing William sitting on the side of my bed.

“Shit! You scared me,” I squeal.

He chuckles. “I’m sorry. I thought you would turn the light on when you came in.” He moves over to sit with me, looking out the window as he does. He sighs loudly before speaking. “When my dad passed away, we didn’t have any family to take me in. So, I went into the foster care system and all the places my dad and I shared were taken away. I wondered if it would have been easier if I could have stayed in the home he raised me in. But now, seeing you, I realize it must be hard seeing him everywhere you go.”

I pull my legs up and hug them. “He used to fish off the dock every day. It was one of his favorite places.”

We both stare out over the lake. “When will it end?” I ask, my eyes glued to the spot I want him so desperately to be.

William places his hand on my knee. “It never ends, Billie Rose. Grief is a funny thing. It comes and goes in waves. Sometimes, you will remember him, and pure joy will fill your heart but other times, it will feel like a punch to the gut. And the shitty thing is, it will come out of nowhere. Grief isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. One you will be on the rest of your life.”

I can’t feel like this the rest of my life. No. Oh my god, I need a blade.

The rest of my life?

My fingers tap frantically over the tops of my thighs. I need relief.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Uncle William, I’m really tired. It’s been a long day.” I uncurl my legs and stand.

“It has been. Go lie down and I’ll sit here quietly until you fall asleep,” he says.

My eyes bounce over his moonlit face. He has the same warm eyes as Elijah, but his face is smooth and shaven. His hair is cut and styled to perfection. I bite my lip, shifting from foot to foot. “That’s a very nice offer but I’m sure it’s been a long day for you as well. Traveling here and…”

“I’m not leaving, Billie Rose.” He rises and cups my cheeks in his hands. “Elijah asked me to come and watch over you tonight. He was very concerned with your well-being.”

My first instinct is to run because my adrenaline just spiked to a dangerous level. William senses my anxiety and pulls me close to him. “He didn’t tell me why and I didn’t ask. Elijah didn’t betray anything you might’ve told him. But I know my son, and he wouldn’t ask for something like this if he didn’t think it was warranted.”

I don’t move a muscle, holding my breath to the point of passing out. He’s not going to let this slide.

“So, I want you to go lie down and get some sleep. Tomorrow, we’ll talk to your parents.”

My entire body begins to tremble when I realize what he just said. I can’t talk to them. No.

His tone doesn’t change. He doesn’t coddle me. “You’re going to talk to them about how you’re struggling on a deeper level than they’re seeing.”

I grip his shirt, whispering, “I can’t. I can’t.” My forehead rolls over his solid chest.

“The Billie Rose that you’ve let take over probably can’t. But the girl you were before…” he pushes me away from him, looking me directly in the eye. “That girl can. The one who fished with her grandpa down at that dock.” He spins me around and forces me to look down at the lake.

He shakes my shoulders gently. “She can do it. You just have to let her out.”

I angrily swipe at my tears. “I’m not pretending to be anyone else.”

“No, I never said you were. But you’re hiding behind anger, bitterness, and irritation. I see how you stomp around here. You do that in hopes everyone will stay away and not notice what you’re really feeling.”

A hiss of air escapes me as I spin around him and stomp to my bed. “I’m not hiding.” I throw the blankets back, and irritably slide into bed, huffing as I lie down and pull the covers over my head.

“I’m not going to fail you like I did your mother. I see you, Billie Rose. Elijah sees you too. You can hate me if that helps. It’s okay because I’ll still love you.

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