Page 13 of Roses and Skulls

He gives me a look that I can’t decipher.

“Dirk, I’m fine. Please,” my mom begs, not wanting to go. She tries to get out of Jackson’s truck but my dad slides in beside her, pushing her to the middle of the seat. Raffe heads around and hops in the driver side.

“We’ll talk about this when I get home.” He points at me then looks at Dan. “Don’t let her out of your sight.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

I take my crow and stomp away from them, heading around the back of the warehouse.

Jackson starts to follow but I hear Dan tell him that he’s got me.

He’s got me.

Great.

I keep walking, heading out to my old treehouse. The one grandpa and dad built for me. Grandpa and I used to play out here all the time. He would be whatever I asked him to, a knight, a soldier, a pirate, he was always up for anything.

When I get there, I set the cage on the old wooden spool that I use as a table. I plop down heavily on one of my logs, resting my chin on my curled-up hand. The wind blows lightly, and my chime spooks the crow, making her flap her wings and screech.

I stick my finger in the cage and stroke her feathers. She calms instantly, tipping her head at me. I want to tell her it’s okay, but Dan is taking the stump beside me, so my words are stuck right where they are.

After a few minutes of me staring into her eyes, trying my best to convey that the noise of the chime is not going to hurt her, she relaxes. I think she trusts me.

Dan doesn’t say anything as I pet her. I know I need to let her go but I don’t want to.

Whatever, let’s just do it.

I learned a long time ago that you have to let go of things. Nothing is ours to keep.

I flick the latch and open the door. The crow looks at it cautiously before she hops over and perches on the edge of the doorframe.

She lets me run my hand over her back and when I pull it away, she flaps her wings, heading high into the trees.

The wind stills, the only sound now is that of an owl hooting nearby.

The sun is setting, and shadows begin to settle in around us.

I sigh loudly and stand, turning to walk away. Dan reaches out and snags my hand, pulling me towards him, pointing to his lap. Really? I’m a little old for this.

But I sit down on his knee. He wraps his arms around me from behind. “Where did you get the bird?” he asks calmly.

Biting at my nails, I wrack my brain, thinking of an answer. I try to reach for my phone, but he stops me. “No, no more games, Billie Rose. Tell me where you got the crow.”

I shake my head no.

“Christ, you are just like your mom,” he whispers, exasperated.

The look on my mom’s face when she saw the crow was scary. She was frightened and I’ve never seen her like that. And now that I think about it, it’s the same look grandpa had when he saw Draven at my window after the accident.

The day finally catches up to me. I haven’t been able to go about it on auto pilot like I usually do. I’ve had to think and engage and… and… I need to let the pressure off. My thighs tingle with the thought of the blade giving me some relief.

Dan senses the shift in me. He hugs me tight. “It’s okay. Use your phone. Just talk to me.”

He leans back so I can reach for my phone but it’s too late. Tears that I’ve kept buried for years erupt in an ugly way and I can’t help the noise that comes from me, letting him know that in fact my vocal cords are just fine.

He forgets the phone and holds me tight, rocking us back and forth. I turn in his arms and burry my face under his beard, snuggling into his neck. And I let go.

It’s dark before I finally stop crying and my eyes are so swollen I can hardly open them.

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