Page 44 of All Your Firsts Without Me

Don’t cry, baby. It’s okay.

I wipe my eyes, the sunset becoming a beautiful, blurry mess.

It’s one of your happiest memories. You know she’s the first person I’m going to look for when I get to heaven. The neighbor who gave my girl hope. The one who sat with her in the dark. The kindness she showed you, it’s what kept you going. Who would have thought a peanut butter and jelly sandwich could do so much for a person.

We go through life being handed pebbles. We carry these with us but at some point, you have toss them into the water to help someone else. That peanut butter and jelly sandwich was one of those pebbles. She tossed it in to help you. But what happens when you throw a pebble into the water?

It creates ripples.

God, I love you. Yes, it creates ripples. You’ve now shared your pb and j sandwiches with me, then Kaden, and now Westin. Those were all ripples from that day. Beautiful, isn’t it?

Look for the pebbles, April. Hold on to them as long as you need to and then let them go. Don’t be sad when you let go. Know that they are creating magnificent ripples that never end. That’s how we live on. The more pebbles you gather and throw, the more ripples you create.

Live long and live well my beautiful pebble. It’s time for me to let you go.

Love forever and a day,

David

I hug Lucky to my chest as she licks my face.

David’s saying goodbye. Letter by letter, he’s letting go, while helping me do the same.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

David ~ The past

I think this is the hardest I’ve cried. Who knew writing about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches could make a grown man cry?

Some days I doubt my letters. I wonder if I’m wrong. Maybe I don’t know her as well as I think I do, but this I know for certain—if she shares a good memory from her past with him, then she’s letting him in. April holds her good memories close to her heart. They are buried deep within, in a place where no one can take them away from her.

She hid them from her father, mother, siblings and even from me for a time. I had some high walls to knock down.

Hopefully, it will be easier for him.

I am the preface. The beginning of a beautiful love story, but unfortunately my chapters are short and limited. But her love story is far from over, I know this, I feel it deep inside my heart.

I’m not going to lie about the pain that causes me. Letting go of her hurts. But it’s a million times worth it because she is going to cast all the pebbles we’ve gathered together into the water of her life. She is going to keep our love alive. Love doesn’t end with death. It continues to live in those goddamn pebbles, it never ends.

My load of pebbles is lightening. And I’m trying like hell not to be sad about it. But today I am.

Westin is sitting beside me. He just handed me a napkin. He’s been my rock these past few days. The end is near. But I have a few more pebbles to throw.

“Hey bartender,” I yell. “Why don’t you take my friend and I’s picture. We have something to toast.”

The guy grabs his camera and Westin and I place an arm around each other’s shoulders while we tap our beers together.

I follow Westin over to hang it on the bar’s famous wall of photos. He gives me the side eye as he tapes it up. “So, what were we toasting?” he asks curiously.

“Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

He laughs, but I give him a stern look.

“What?” He raises an eyebrow.

“You’ll look back on this day and you’ll thank your lucky stars for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

“I love you, man, but your cryptic way of speaking is lost on me.”

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