Page 17 of All Your Firsts Without Me

See, I’m not alone.

I’m fine. This is way better than the basement ever was.

Yeah, I’m fine. Good, even.

My phone rings, it’s Kaden. He calls every night. “Hello,” I say quietly, not wanting to disturb the dead in their solace.

“Hey, April, how are you doing?”

“Good. I’m fine,” I say steadily, making sure my voice gives nothing away.

“Teresa said she stopped by to check on you but you’re not home.”

“Yeah, oh yeah, I’m out.”

“Where?”

“I went out to dinner. I’ve discovered I don’t like eating alone. So…” I hate lying. Hate. It.

“That’s great. I’m glad you’re getting out. I was worried you would sit at home all by yourself.” I hear a bunch of guys laughing in the background.

“Are you at a party?” I ask him.

“Eh, not a party. I have a few friends over. We’re watching the game.”

“That’s nice,” I tell him, my gaze wandering over David’s name. He’ll be happy to know Kaden is doing well. He was so worried about how he would handle his death. “Well, I’ll let you go. You can tell Teresa I’m fine.”

“Oh, okay. Are you sure you’re doing all right?”

“Yeah. I’ve been busy writing. Sometimes I go to the park. It’s too quiet at the house.” This is close to a park. It has trees and grass. I toss a chip to Cracker. That’s my squirrel’s name. And parks have squirrels too, so, yeah, this is exactly like a park. It’s not a lie, I decide. And I did eat here and not at home, so again, not lying.

“I’m sure it is. Okay, okay,” he says, still uncertain of how I’m actually doing. “You’ll call if you need me?”

“Of course, silly.” I look away from David’s name. “Have fun with your friends.”

“All right. I love you, April. Have a good night.”

“Love you too, bye.”

When the phone disconnects, I hang my head low in shame. When I glance up, the cold stone mocks me with its hard stare. “Shut up,” I tell it. “This is my life, and this is the way I want to live it.”

Hugging myself, I curl up in a little ball, listening to the cricket’s chirp as the sun goes down. Suddenly, it doesn’t feel like David’s here with me. He’s slipping away. I have to hang on.

No, he’s here.

He’s right here.

I close my eyes, falling asleep with my hands gripped tightly in the grass.

CHAPTER TEN

Giles

My hand blindly searches the nightstand, to shut the blaring noise of my alarm clock off. I blink my eyes open, wiping sleep away with one hand as my other continues to search. Shit, it’s two am.

My wife stirs. “It’s your phone, dummy.” She rolls over, hiking the blanket up over her head to drown out the sound.

Shit, it’s the station. I’ve been retired for the past year, but they still call every now and then, for advice. It makes me feel good. Needed. I grab the phone and head into the bathroom.

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