Page 73 of All Your Firsts Without Me

“Because you wanted it to happen, and it didn’t.”

“It’s too soon anyway and we aren’t even married. I shouldn’t have wanted it to happen,” I say angrily. I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at myself for being so stupid. We haven’t even known each other a full year. Oh, and then there’s the fact that I’m newly widowed. It was a stupid dream.

“Look at me.”

Reluctantly, I meet his eyes, expecting a scowl but that’s not what is there. There is a hardness in the green of his eyes, not in anger or irritation but in determination.

“Wewillhave a baby, April. I’m going to give you as many babies as you’re willing to have. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you feel bad about wanting one. You will be an amazing mother and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you feel good about it when it does happen.”

I start to cry, and he pulls me into his chest, tightly. “We have time, April. But it’s okay to feel disappointed and sad. It’s okay.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

April

The next month flies by. Westin and I have been working hard on setting up David’s foundation. I’m so excited about it. All the money we raise is going to be used to help victims of violent crimes. The whole family has been helping. Giles will also be playing a big role in the foundation once it’s established.

We’ve spent many late nights in the studio working on our album,Inevitable. Westin has brought in a few friends from the industry to help us. We want to make sure it’s perfect. It’s been a lot of work, but we’ve had so much fun together.

So, you’re probably wondering about Westin and me on a more personal level. Well, that has been going great as well. We decided to use protection. For now.

Our love making has been, um, well it’s explosive. We can’t keep our hands off each other. Which has made working so closely together pure joy and sheer agony in equal parts.

David loved me slow and tender. He helped me get past all my insecurities. Westin loves me fast and hard. He doesn’t hold back and neither do I. In a way, Westin is finishing what David started. I’m finally letting go and let me tell you… I could get used to this.

Lately, he’s been hinting that he wants me to move in with him. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. It took me eight months just to be able to pack up David’s clothing. And then there’s the fact David bought the beach house for me. I don’t know if can leave it behind.

Lucky is whining for her ball that rolled under the bed. I lean down, pulling out a few boxes to get to it. The minute I pull it out, she takes it from me and hops back out to the living room to roll it around on the wood floors.

I’m shoving everything back under the bed when I stop on the basket of letters. I’ve been so busy with the foundation that I haven’t thought much about them. I pick up the last one.

The Final Goodbye

My heart clenches painfully. At times, the wound still feels fresh. This is one of those times. When should I read it?

Now. I could read it now. But am I ready?

There’s something in the envelope. It’s lumpy which really intrigues me. What could it be?

I decide to run a bath and grab a bottle of wine for the occasion. Yes, the whole bottle. No glass required. Westin is out of town, finalizing the details on a few songs he’s selling. So, it’s just me. This is as good a time as any.

I settle my head back against the tub, then dry my hands and reach for the letter. I run my finger under the seam, tears falling before I even read the words. Sometimes these letters heal and other times it’s like picking at a scab, reopening old wounds.

Pulling out the letter first, I set the envelope back on the counter.

Dearest April,

If only I could write enough letters to last a lifetime. But I’m afraid this is the last one I have in me.

I said everything I needed to say while I was there. You know how much I love you. That is not the point of this letter.

The sand in our hourglass is running low. Unfortunately, I cannot turn it over with you. That’s not how it works. It’s time for you and Westin to turn it over together. But there is no way of knowing how much sand you’ll get. So, don’t waste one single granule. If you’re reading this, you’re ready. Don’t hold back. Don’t wait for a single thing. It’s not too soon.

You’ve been dreaming of a family, like the one you watched while hiding in the trees as a little girl… it doesn’t have to be a dream. It’s within your grasp. You just have to have the courage to claim what was always meant to be yours.

I’ve left you and Westin a gift to remind you both where it all began.

Loving you has been a privilege, April. I’m one lucky man.

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