Page 7 of All Your Firsts Without Me

My mind stills at his demand. He sounds so much like his father. He pats the sand beside him. I fall to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. He runs his hand down my hair. “I’ll quit school and come home. It will be fine. I won’t leave you too.”

This makes me sit up tall. “No. No. Absolutely not. You of all people have sacrificed so much for me. Not school. Not your future. I’m not taking those away from you. I already took your dad,” I say with such intensity he leans back, shock stamped on his face.

He grabs me by the shoulders, giving me a good shake. “You didn’t take my dad. You improved him. You made both our lives better, April. Never say that again.”

His anger surprises me. “Please don’t quit school. I’ll be fine. I will.” I wipe my tears and nose on the sleeve of my jacket. “I’m sorry. I just… did he say he thinks death is near?”

Kaden draws me back to his side. “He did. He’s serious, April. We need to be strong for him.”

I nod, gripping his shirt tightly. “I haven’t cried in front of him in a long time. I wait until I’m in the shower.”

“You don’t need to hide your sadness from him, April. Your tears show him how much your love spills over. It’s okay. Don’t hide, please don’t hide. That’s not what I mean by being strong. We have to accept this with grace. Just like he is.”

Kaden and I sit on the beach for a long time, the moon and ocean the only witnesses to our struggle to find the courage to face the inevitable. We cling to each other while the sand drinks our sorrow.

“We better get some sleep.” I pat Kaden’s knee and he nods, pulling me with him as he rises.

When I crawl into bed beside David, he grabs my arm, tugging me close to him. “Hey, beautiful,” he whispers.

“I thought you’d be asleep,” I tell him, snuggling down under the covers with him.

“My thoughts were way too naughty for sleep to come, wife.” He swats my bottom lightly.

Giggling, I lean over to kiss him. He groans and pushes me onto my back. “Let me love you, baby,” he says quietly, staring deep into my eyes.

I let my tears fall freely as he makes love to me like it’s our last time. He kisses them away while his hands roam all over my body. Is he trying to memorize everything about me, like I’m doing to him?

He’s aggressive in his demands. He steals my breath, he tastes my skin, his fingers play my body like an instrument that only he can hear. He wants it all, and he takes it greedily.

After our lovemaking, David and I lie together quietly. He studies our entwined fingers, drawing them to his mouth, kissing each of my knuckles. “Please let someone love you when I’m gone.”

I remain quiet because I simply don’t know if that is something I can do. Because of David’s condition we have a different way of loving each other. I don’t know if I can do it the way other people do. With David, it’s safe. He touches me and I touch him. That’s how we connect. In the beginning, I thought maybe God made him the way he was just for me. But now I think God is angry and punishing me with the threat of taking him away.

“Stop with the bible crap in your head, April. I know what you’re thinking. You are worthy of love. You just have to be brave enough to let someone else in. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you need, how to love you.”

I tip my head back so I can stare into his rich, brown eyes. “You are my soulmate, David. I don’t need anyone else. You’ve given me enough love to last a lifetime.”

He doesn’t argue. He closes his eyes. I stare at his beautiful face for a long time until sleep tugs at my own lids, forcing them shut. As I’m drifting off, he whispers, “You are right. My love for you will transcend. You’ll be loved even when I’m gone.”

My eyes flash open and I sit up, hovering over his face. He’s fast asleep, snoring lightly. Sleep doesn’t come to me the rest of the night as I hold vigil. I watch as he breathes in and out, studying the rise and fall of his chest. Any pause requires me to nudge him gently until he resumes the normal pace of slumber. If I have to, I will stay awake forever, to ensure he doesn’t slip away from me.

CHAPTER FOUR

David

I remember the first time I heard April speak without me being in the room. She’d been living with Kade and I for a few months and we had all settled into a new routine. April was studying at the kitchen table. I had convinced her to enroll in online college courses. I figured it was better than her not going at all. I would’ve liked for her to experience the normal college life, like I had. Sometimes circumstances don’t allow for that, so online was the next best thing.

Anyhow, Kade was a freshman in high school. He came into my office after school and said a quick hello before rushing out to find April, wanting to fill her in on his day.

One thing about April is that she is an incredibly good listener. Sometimes I would feel bad for talking her ear off, until one day, she told me how much she liked listening to our stories. She said all she had was her own voice for four years. To hear others was a luxury for her. After that, neither one of us ever held back.

Kaden yelled, “Boo.” April squealed, which wasn’t so much a surprise, but what came next was.

“Kaden, seriously, why do you have to constantly scare me? I peed my pants, butthead!” Then she stomped down the hall, slamming her bedroom door shut.

Kaden came running into my office. “Did you hear that?” he said excitedly. “She spoke to me and you weren’t there! I knew I could get her to do it. I just knew it! She even called me a butthead!”

We both went to her bedroom. I knocked on the door. “What?” came the angry reply from the other side.

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