Page 68 of All Your Firsts Without Me

“The three of us are like some sort of weird love triangle.” He shakes his head. “I loved him, April. I still love him. Don’t ever think you can’t talk about him. I’m not jealous. I’m so goddamn thankful you had him.”

“Was he ever jealous of you?” I ask hesitantly.

He laughs. “No. He… he was never jealous. Like I said, he didn’t tell me a lot about you. He wanted us to learn about each other naturally. He was worried about you, April. Really worried.”

“I only have one letter left.”

“He’s still going to be watching over you. Nothing will change once you read it.”

“I’m scared.”

He runs his hand along my shoulder blades and pulls me close to him. “I won’t let you fall apart.” His lips brush over my temple.

Later that evening after we’ve packed for our big trip to Kaden’s graduation, we sit on the couch to share a bowl of popcorn. I study Westin’s face as he watches the movie we put on. His eyes crinkle at the corners when he laughs.

A heaviness settles in my chest.

I think I started to fall in love with Westin the day he helped me adopt Lucky. It’s been a light sort of fun love. But suddenly it’s different. I feel it. Really feel it. Like a punch to the gut.

My finger lightly brushes his hair away from his face. He takes his eyes away from the movie, giving me a quick peck on the lips before he turns back to the television.

My heart squeezes as I think of what life would be like without him. I bite my bottom lip to keep from crying. Can I do this again? What if something happens to Westin? What if he gets sick? In an accident?

“I’m going to take a quick shower,” I interrupt his movie, swallowing the lump in my throat. Leaving him alone on the couch, I hurry to the bathroom. My back hits the door as soon as I press it closed. My hands shake as I quickly turn on the shower to mask my sobs.

I drop to the floor and press my forehead to the cool porcelain of the tub. I’m terrified I’m not going to survive this. Why did I allow myself to fall in love again? It hurts too much.

My hurt over the loss of David combined with my worry over losing Westin paralyzes me. Sobs wrack my body as tears fall to the linoleum floor.

Cool air filters in when the bathroom door opens. Immediately, I jump to my feet, wiping at the never-ending tears. Warm arms wrap around me from behind. “I’ve got you, baby,” his breath caresses my cheek as he whispers in my ear.

I gasp for breath as I cry, unable to gain control of myself.

“What can I do to help?”

“P-promise m-me you w-won’t d-die.”

He tightens his arms around me. “Baby.” He presses his lips to the top of my head, but he doesn’t say the words I so desperately need to hear.

I know it’s an irrational request. I know it.

“I c-can’t do t-this again.”

Holding me tight with one arm, he reaches in the shower to adjust the water temperature, then he’s sliding my shirt over my head. He undresses me and then makes quick work of removing his own clothes. Westin nudges me under the stream, keeping one arm wrapped around me the entire time.

The warm water calms me a little, even though tears still roll freely down my cheeks.

“If I could make that promise I would, April. I really would, but no one can predict how long we have.” He turns me to face him. “What I can do is promise to love you until one of us is called home.”

I hate how desperate I feel inside.

He cradles my face in his big hands, his thumbs brushing lightly over my cheeks. “You’re the first woman besides my mother that I’ve loved, April. Please don’t push me away. I want to love you. Please let me love you.”

Tremors wrack my body. “P-please d-don’t leave me.”

Westin sighs, pressing my head to his chest. His hands roam up and down my back until I become too exhausted to stand.

My arms and legs feel like wet noodles and my eyes are almost swelled shut from crying, the tears still flowing silently. I’m a little worried they may never stop.

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