Page 50 of All Your Firsts Without Me

“Then we have a game of scrabble to finish.”

I laugh, “You know I was winning, right?”

She stands up, shutting the box. “It’s not over till it’s over.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

April

The weeks have flown by. Westin and I meet up every Wednesday at the nursing home. We volunteer and then have lunch together. We also have date nights every Friday and then we spend either Saturday or Sunday afternoon together.

We’ve spent the time getting to know each other. We haven’t done more than hold hands though. Sometimes if we are sitting next to each other, he might put his arm around me. It’s sweet that he is allowing me to take this slow.

I think he realizes I still need time for myself. I’m still aching for David. It’s strange to have your heart break and mend at the same time. When I’m with Westin, things are great and I’m happy. Really, really happy. But when I’m alone, my body literally yearns for David. I miss him so much.

Today is six months since his passing, and I don’t know how to feel about it. It feels wrong to let myself be with Westin. I’ve been holding back. He knows it too. Sometimes he will lean in close, and I think he’s about to kiss me, but he holds himself there, waiting for me to take those last few inches. I never do.

Westin and I have talked about this day. We decided to go ahead with David’s wishes. We are both supposed to go to the bar tonight. I asked everyone else if they had the same instructions. Seems Westin and I were the only two.

I wish there were a letter for today. I’m down to a handful. The hard ones. My fingers riffle through the remaining envelopes.Your first kiss.

My fingers tremble as I pull it out of the box. I know I haven’t kissed yet, but I need to read something new from him, especially today.

April,

I’m writing this while dreaming about your lips. Lips that deserve to be worshiped. So, if you’ve taken the plunge and kissed someone then I’m happy for you. That is all you need to know, and this letter can end here but if I know my beautiful wife like I think I do, you are reading this as a prelude to a kiss….

How wonderful.

Because you’re thinking about it and when it happens, I want you to kiss that man with abandon. Remember every single thing about it. The place, the sounds, the smells… take it all in and file it away in your memory bank.

Grab as many good memories as you can, baby. Hold onto to them and cherish every single one. Even the ones that don’t involve me.

I remember our first. It was my birthday, and I was blowing out my candles. I’d just closed my eyes to make a wish and you were there. Your soft lips pressed to mine. My only regret was that I had held back for so long. It felt so right. It was perfect.

Do you remember how you begged me to tell you what I wished for that day?

Smiling, I bring the letter to my face and place a kiss to the paper. I remember that day well.

I’m still not telling you what I wished for. Maybe someday…

Anyhow, if you are reading this then I know you’re ready.

Please don’t feel guilty.

It doesn’t erase all the kisses we shared. It doesn’t alter the past; it only enhances the future.

I love you,

David

I read the last line over and over again. He’s right, per usual. Nothing that happens with Westin and I will erase the life I had with David.

“Lucky, do you want to go for a ride, girl?”

She hops up and does a few twirls, then waits for me by the door. She’s such a good girl.

I grab the polaroid of Lucky and I before walking out the door.

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