Page 37 of All Your Firsts Without Me

Or was it inevitable?

“Seems you have a lot in common.”

“I’m still angry.”

“And that’s okay. You want to go hit some balls around at the course?”

I laugh. He and David were golfing buddies. Not something I ever wanted to try. Until today.

“Will I be a bad wife if I pretend they are his nuts?”

Giles throws his head back, laughing. Smiling. Because of me. I see why David liked making people laugh. It’s fun.

“Let’s go,” he stands, nodding towards his car.

“Yeah. Let’s do this.”

After several hours of hitting balls as hard as I could, I finally started to feel better. Maybe it was the sun, or Giles, or the beers that he insisted were a mandatory part of the game. Whatever it was, I feel better. My head is clearer.

He drops me off at my car, still parked outside the nursing home. We make a date for my next golf lesson before he pulls away. When I get home, I find Westin and Lucky sitting down by the water. Both watching the waves roll in.

I head inside, leaving the door open. The smell of pizza wafting towards the beach brings the two of them up to the house. Lucky runs in, wagging her tail. I reach down and scratch behind her ears. “Hey, girl, sorry I scared you.” She accepts my apology with a lick across the cheek.

Westin hovers outside the door. I straighten, letting Lucky go to her food bowl. “I made a pizza,” I tell him, while staring at his feet. He takes a step inside making me suck in a quick breath. Slowly, I let me gaze travel up his body. He’s so tall. His hair is messed up and his eyes are red rimmed.

“I’m so sorry, April,” he says, stepping further into the living room.

I quickly walk around him to close the door. “It’s fine,” I say, pressing my hand over the cool wood, catching the first bit of the sun dipping into the ocean from the window.

“It’s not. None of this is fine,” he says quietly, leaning towards me, his hand landing at the small of my back.

Neither of us move. His hand is so warm. I close my eyes to avoid seeing the sun make its final goodbye for the day. After a few minutes, he removes his touch, and I notice the loss immediately. I’ve missed being touched. I went most of my life without it. In fact, I was afraid of any sort of affection until David. He helped me get past the fear and now I feel like an addict needing a fix.

“It’s not fine. I hurt you and that’s definitely not fine.”

“Don’t.” I push off of the door, turning to face him. “It really is fine. David is… was,” I take a deep breath before continuing, “He was my protector. He always did what he thought was best for me. Even if I don’t understand this right now, I’m sure he had his reasons. You are not to blame. I should have expected it.”

Westin shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He scratches his head. “He hadn’t planned this until he met me, so I’m partly to blame. I wanted to meet you so bad I was willing to do anything.” He shakes his head, falling heavily onto the couch. “I sound like a complete fucking stalker. Jesus, what must you think of me?” He runs his hand over his eyes.

“I think you look like a man who’s been struggling to keep a secret from a new friend.” I lean my back against the door. “Secrets out, so…”

His eyes dart up, finding mine, he sits up taller on the couch. “You… you still want to be friends?”

I bite my bottom lip, thinking about it. “I can’t offer you more than a shared pizza for now,” I answer honestly. “I’m going to need some time to think about this.”

He runs his fingers through his hair, pulling himself together. “I am pretty hungry.” His grin rights the world a tiny little bit.

I wave him out to the kitchen, letting him sit in Kaden’s spot while I take the spot beside him, what used to be our spot. Sadness settles deep in bones as I realize that everything is now a “used to be” between David and me.

“He really didn’t tell me about the pizza.” He puts a piece on my plate before helping himself to a slice. “He didn’t tell me anything. I don’t have an advantage if that’s what you think.”

No, I suppose he definitely doesn’t have an advantage. In fact, he’s at a disadvantage because I have one thing holding me up. A husband that I loved more than life itself.

“The only thing he told me was that I needed to be patient with you.”

I chuckle sadly. He’s going to need a lot more than patience, but I don’t tell him that.David and his damn stubbornness.

We finish the rest of our meal in silence before saying a quick goodbye. We don’t talk about when we will see each other again. He doesn’t ask for my number and I don’t offer it. He says goodbye with a heavy sigh, wondering if it’s the last time.

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