Page 30 of All Your Firsts Without Me

“Yes, I had fun tonight.” I give her a kiss on the cheek. “Just make sure you get home safe.”

She laughs and my heart smiles.

I wave to her and head out.

Lucky greets me at the door when I get home, dancing circles around my feet. “Hey, girl, did you miss me?”

She jumps in my lap the minute I sit down. I pull my stolen treasure out of my pocket. Lucky lays her head on my chest, sniffing the photo. “Look, it’s Westin and this man is my husband. Was my husband,” I tell Lucky. She raises one eye and then the other, listening intently. “I miss him so much, Lucky.”

There was a letter for the first photo without him. I suppose I should read it, sometimes his letters make me feel better and sometimes they make me miss him even more. It’s a toss-up. I get ready for bed first and then Lucky and I settle down for the night, I slide the photo of him and Westin under my pillow before ripping open the letter.

Hello Little Diamond,

I’m so glad you’re reading this. It means something made you happy enough to capture the moment. I remember the day I was going through old baby pictures of Kaden and you shared with me that you had only had your picture taken once, by a neighbor. My heart broke into a thousand pieces that day. From then on, we snapped so many pictures together you could wallpaper the house with them.

This was the first moment you captured since my death, but it won’t be the last. You’ll have so many moments. So many. Anyhow, let’s take a look at it together. Go get it.

I glance around my room, nervous that I don’t have the photo. I left it on the wall. But I do have one. I reach under my pillow and pull out the picture of Westin and him.

Okay, look at the person next to you.

My gaze shifts from the letter to the man sitting beside David.

Look how happy they are to be by your side. Study their smile. It’s there because of you.

I study the laugh lines around Westin’s eyes, they are there because of David. It makes me smile. They have an arm around each other’s shoulder, drinks in hand. It looks like they are making a toast. I wonder what they were celebrating.

Your dad thought photos were vain. They aren’t. He lied. They are the pause button on wonderful moments. Enjoy them. Oh, and I left you a surprise, it’s under the bathroom sink, far left corner.

You’re doing it, April. You’re living and that, my dear, makes me the happiest man in the heavens.

Love forever and a day, David

Under the sink, I find a polaroid camera just like the one the bartender had. I put the film in it and take a picture of Lucky and I, tears still drying on my face. I hug her tight. “Oh, Lucky, isn’t he the best? I wish you could have met him.”

I set the camera on the nightstand along with Lucky and I’s picture. The one of David and Westin gets tucked safely back under my pillow.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

April

It’s been four months since I lost the love of my life. Some days are okay. Some not. I’ve read letter after letter. The basket is dwindling. I want to read more but they are firsts that are never going to happen. I mean come on.Your first kiss. Your first… I can’t even say it; you can guess. They are all letters that involve me and someone else. I don’t think that will happen.

Anyhow, today I’m trying something new. I’m going to volunteer at one of the nursing homes in town. It’s not a big deal. I’ll be reading to the residents. I’m kind of excited. Books are a wonderful escape. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do before settling on this idea.

I even got the green light to bring Lucky with me.

She spins in a circle, waiting for me to put my shoes on. “Patience, Lucky. Are you excited to go out today?” She does three more spins. I swear she understands me sometimes.

“Let’s go.” I grab her leash off the hook by the door and we head out. I pause to take note of the little birds flitting around the bird feeder. “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it, Lucky?”

She barks, making the birds take flight. I laugh, patting her head. “You’re such a brute.”

At the nursing home, the receptionist guides us down the halls to the activity room. “The residents are having a little music time right now, but they should be finished soon. It’s the third door on the left.” She points down the hall with a bright red nail. “I’ll be up front if you need me.”

Smoothing my hand over my hair, I take a deep breath. Music filters out from the room I’m headed to. The soft strum of a guitar pulls me closer. And the voice. It wakes up a part of me that has been in deep slumber. It yawns and stretches. My hand finds my heart giving it a gentle rub.

I don’t want to disturb the resident’s music time, so I sit on a bench outside the room, Lucky curls up by my feet. My eyes fall closed as the music wraps around my heart. I’ve always loved string instruments. I adore the way you can feel the vibrations in your soul.

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