Page 29 of All Your Firsts Without Me

Teresa catches me up on all the latest gossip. It’s fun. It’s familiar. I smile at my bright, shiny nails as we walk out of the salon. “Want to go have a drink?” I ask her as we walk to the car.

Her feet stop but her body sways forward. “A drink?”

“Yeah, you know the stuff that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Well, at least until the next morning.”

She laughs.

I look up at the sky.Laugh number one.

“Well, yeah. Jeff is at the hospital so, yeah, sure, why not.”

“Why don’t we do it up right? Let’s go back to my house and we will whoop it up. Dresses and all. Besides, I need to let Lucky out before we go.”

She pulls her head back, surprised I’m wanting to go out. We didn’t even go out for drinks when David was alive. But he did say to do something different. She doesn’t need to know this is all for him. “I’ll even let you do my makeup.”

Laugh number two rolls between us. I want more. I want to make her laugh until she pees her pants.

“I’ve always wanted to dress you up,” she admits.

“Well then.” I wave my arms out. “What are we waiting for?”

We hurry back to the house to get ready for our night out. “What about this one?” Teresa holds a bright yellow sun dress in front of my face. It’s an Audrey Hepburn style that ties behind the neck, with a flare skirt. It’s low cut with a sash that ties just below the breast.

“Oh, I don’t know.” I rub the material between my fingers. David bought this for me before he died. He never let me try it on. He said I was to save it for a special day.

The thing is, most would consider special days to be holidays, weddings, and first dates, but it’s the regular days that are the most special.

Like the time David and I spent the whole day binge watching Netflix in bed while both suffering from the flu. It was awful but wonderful at the same time. We were miserable but we were miserable together. It was a special day. Or like the days we picked wildflowers, the sun bright, the air warm. Those were special days.

“Yes. I think this one will be perfect,” I tell her.

She squeals, like a teenager. “People are going to stop you on the street. You’ll look just like a pinup model.”

I roll my eyes but let her do her damage. She’s so happy and I haven’t seen her happy in a long, long time.

“So, where do you want to go?” I ask.

“Oh, I don’t know. You pick.” She pulls her mirror down, applying one last layer of gloss to her lips.

I’m not much of a bar girl. Actually, I haven’t spent any time at all in bars. So, I drive to the one spot I do know. When we step inside, the music is playing loud, there is a live band here tonight.

“This is perfect.” Teresa twirls around, pulling me up to the bar.

At first, my eyes go to the table where I sat a few months ago with David. He told me to come back here six months from his death. I guess I’m a little early. Teresa orders us each some sort of fruity drink. My gaze shifts around the room, studying faces, looking for Westin. I mean he did say he used to come here on Fridays. And it is Friday.

He told me how hard it was for him the first time he came back after David’s death. Maybe it’s still too much for him. I probably should have called or texted him by now, but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t need anything and that’s why he gave me his number. But I’ve been wondering if he went back to the shelter and adopted another dog. Did he find a golden retriever? Does he still miss David as much as I do?

Teresa is having a good time. I haven’t heard her laugh like this in a long time. Mission accomplished; I would say. We dance, we sing, we go to the bathroom together. We do all the things drunk young women do. The handsome bartender flirts with us, men buy us drinks, but even with all the attention my loneliness slowly creeps back in.

The bartender asks if he can take our photo. We put our heads together and smile big for him. He waves the polaroid in the air before handing it to me. “Can you be a doll and hang it up for me?” He points to a wall down at the end of the bar where hundreds of photos are taped up. Teresa squeals as an old friend of hers enters, she pats me on the arm before standing up to greet her.

I look at our photo as it comes to life while I walk towards the back. We look happy. When I reach my destination, my eyes roam over the other pictures before landing on one that makes my heart stop. It’s David and Westin. My hand flies to my mouth to stifle a sob.

Quickly, I rip it off the wall, stuffing it in the pocket of my dress. I replace it with the one of Teresa and me. My heart is beating fast. This is wrong, my father’s voice whispers in the back of my mind, but I don’t care. It’s a photo of David I’ve never seen, and I want it.

Teresa and her friend are mixed in with a group of people. I nudge my way into the crowd and tell her I’m feeling a bit tired. “I’m going to call an uber to take me home.” She glances at her watch.

“Yeah, I guess it is getting late. Jeff was going to come get us but if you don’t want to wait.” She gives me a once over. “You sure you can get home okay?”

---