Page 19 of All Your Firsts Without Me

Her teeth sink into her bottom lip as she hugs her pillow and blanket to her chest. She looks back at David’s stone. “I can’t.”

I look up at the dark sky, praying for patience.Come on man, help me out here. Your girl needs to go home.

“Have you been reading his letters?”

Her head snaps my way. “What?”

“His letters. He wrote them to help you through this.”

“I… I don’t want to waste them. I’m saving them.”

My shoulders drop. “April, you know he would be pissed if he knew you’d been sleeping out here every night. It’s cold and it’s not safe.”

“It’s not safe anywhere,” she whispers.

“You’re ignoring the biggest part of what I said. He wouldn’t want you here.” I place my hands on my hips, waiting for her.

“He’s not here?” She tips her head.

I don’t know if she’s asking or telling, so I repeat her words back to her. “He’s not here, sweetheart.”

Her eyes shoot to me and I know in that second, I’ve got bigger problems on my hands than just getting her out of here. They’re glassed over, stormy, sad… devastated.

“He’s not here,” she repeats, shaking her head. Then she backs up, almost tripping on a stone.

“April,” I warn.

“He’s not here,” she says again, taking another step back.

The officers notice what is going on and slowly make their way around, positioning themselves behind her. She’s focused on me though and doesn’t notice.

“He left me. Everyone leaves me,” she says staring past my shoulder. “He left me, and it’s dark and cold.” She releases her hold on the bedding in her arms, hugging herself. “He fucking left me alone.”

My eyebrows pop up. I’ve never heard April curse. I hold my hand up to let the officers know to stand down. “He didn’t want to.”

Her gaze rolls back to me. She takes another step back, then another.

“April, it’s okay. You’re not alone.” I match her step for step.

She shakes her head, looking down at her feet, when she sees she is stepping on someone’s grave she jumps to the side.

It breaks my heart to see her this way. Her eyes are blank and wild like the first time I saw her when she was trapped in that basement. She starts to shake her hands out in front of her, she’s fixing to run. I know it’s not to get away from me. She wants to flee from her own heart. It’s breaking. I think it’s just now sinking in that David is gone.

I take another step towards her and she runs. She doesn’t get far before she bounces off the chest of one of the officers. He gently grabs her by the arms to steady her, and then he releases her, spreading his arms wide to let her know he means no harm. Everyone in the department knew David. We’re all mourning his loss. He was the best of the best.

Her eyes dance frantically over his uniform. She covers her mouth with both hands. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers. Then she notices the dirt on her hands. “Oh, god.”

“April, it’s okay, sweetie. You’re not in trouble. Let’s go to the car,” I encourage.

“I’m sorry,” she says again to the officer. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. We just want to make sure you’re safe. No harm done,” he replies, his smile warm and calming.

Her eyes roam over his uniform again, pausing over his badge. She doubles over and groans in agony. His uniform is reminding her of him. Then she starts to sob uncontrollably. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and guide her back to the car, helping her gently into the passenger seat.

One of the young officers offers to follow us in my car.

“That would be great. Thank you.”

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