Page 13 of All Your Firsts Without Me

“He did mention a box of letters showing up today.” As I step towards him, he pulls me into his arms harshly.

“April, god, I don’t even know how to act. I’m so sorry,” he says again.

I return his hug. “It’s okay. I don’t think any of us know how to act. David always kept us all moving forward. Now I don’t know. I just don’t know.” I break away from him and plop down on the couch, gawking at the box.

Kaden joins us, they shake hands and hug while I continue my stare down with the box. Kaden sits down beside me. “Is this the box?” he asks Giles.

The surprise on my face makes Kade laugh. “We’re all in on it, you know?” he teases.

I scowl at him. “In on what?”

“You know Dad is going to pester you the rest of your life, yeah?” he jokes.

Ignoring him, I open the box to find what looks like a highly organized system. Some have dates for opening them, some are forfirstswithout him, some are simplywhen you are feeling downletters. I close the box, not wanting to share anything inside with anyone. I’ll look at them later, when I’m alone.

“What can I do for you kids?”

We aren’t kids anymore, but I let it slide. I suppose we will always be kids when it comes to Giles.

“If you could call any co-workers, friends from the department, anyone you can think of that might want to say goodbye to dad, we would be grateful. I don’t know about April, but I don’t think I can talk on the phone right now.”

“Sure, I’ll send out an email to everyone in the department and I’ll call anyone else I can think of. Do you know when the service will be?”

“I’ll text you later today when we finalize everything,” Kaden says.

“Your dad was the best partner I ever had.” Giles sits back and runs his fingers through his greying hair. “Helping people was his gift to the world.” His gaze shifts from Kaden to me. “David once told me that he looked at helping people as his way of sending ripples of goodness out into the world. He said helping one person could lead to helping hundreds, if not thousands.”

“Would you like something to drink, Giles? You must think I’m a terrible host.” I stand up, but he grabs my hand and pulls me down to sit beside him.

“I read your book. Your words are going to help others like you,” he says, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “I know I wasn’t very understanding when David announced you two were getting married, but I get it now. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable, I just had a hard time understanding. I understand now.”

“I loved him, Giles. I… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come to terms with the fact that he was in that mall because of me.”

“He was in that mall because he wanted to show a young girl a little sunshine. It’s not your fault that God placed him there. That was where he would have been regardless. If not for you then it would have been another reason, but don’t doubt that he was meant to be there.”

“I miss him so much,” I cry, throwing myself into his arms.

“Don’t you worry. You’ll get through this. You are stronger than you know; you are the girl who survived four years locked in a basement. You will survive this too.”

“I don’t know. I’ve never felt pain like this.” I shake my head, wiping snot all over his dress shirt.

“The pain you feel now will turn into strength for the future.” He hugs both Kaden and I one more time before leaving.

“We better get ready to head to the funeral home,” Kaden says after walking Giles to the door.

“Yeah, I suppose, I’ll go get ready.” I pick up my letters and walk into my room, setting it on the sunburst quilt. After I change clothes, I sit by the box. When did he write all of these? I open it and peek inside. There are so many letters in here.

I can’t. I just can’t. I close the box and leave the room.

Sitting at the funeral home is surreal. I would be lying if I said I had never thought about this day. How it would be, what would happen. It’s nothing like I thought. I’m walking around in a daze. Feeling a bit like a pin ball. Bouncing from one thing to the next, trying to stay in the game but knowing at any minute I will fall between the paddles and drop down into the dark, cold pit of despair.

“Mrs. Langston?”

I glance up. Everyone in the room is staring at me. “Yes, sorry. Did I miss something?” I ask, rubbing my temple.

“Your husband made a special request for you to sing at his service,” the funeral home director tells me.

I blink at him a few times before letting my gaze peruse over Kaden, Teresa, and Jeff. “You must be joking.”

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