Page 1 of All Your Firsts Without Me

PROLOGUE

David

Arranging your own funeral is hard. Planning for your wife to fall in love with someone else is even harder. I know most would think I should go peacefully and let April drift where the wind blows her. But she is different. She won’t let the wind carry her anywhere. When I leave this earth, I know what she will do. She will ground herself at home and surround herself with all my things. She’s already been placing my clothing in zip lock bags to retain the scent. I caught her unaware, on her knees in our closet, tears streaming down her face as she lifted each item to her nose before carefully placing them inside the bags.

Sure, she will continue to live. She will go out with our friends because they will beg her until she has no other choice. But she won’t look for love again. She won’t look outside herself at all. Our love story is unique, it is a love that can never be diminished or forgotten. I know she will never be able to replace what we have. But I do know there will be love for her again. A different kind of love— not better, not worse. That is why I go into this arrangement with another man without jealousy or animosity. I go in with nothing but love for my beautiful, young wife.

He is giving me the greatest gift. A chance to remain in her life after I’m gone. He’s giving me the opportunity to make sure she doesn’t slip into the depths of despair. Most importantly, he will ensure she receives the family I could never give her. She deserves that.

Now I know some of you are not going to understand how I can do this. Maybe you are wondering what right I have to manipulate her life after I’m gone. It’s not something I set out to do, but just as fate brought her to me, fate will guide her to Westin with a little nudge from me. He and I believe this has the potential to be one of the greatest love stories of all time. She is deserving of that. Her very own fairytale romance. She didn’t get that with me, our love story was born of fear and tragedy. Soon you will learn why I am doing this. Then you will understand why I went to such great lengths to ensure she falls in love again. She will. She has too.

Before we go on, you should know that Westin is nothing like me. We have similar qualities, which April needs, but in personality, looks, and everything else, we are vastly different. I didn’t go out and look for someone who was a carbon copy of myself. Not even close. This was not something I set out to do at all.

Westin fell into my lap. It was, like I said, fate. We met at a bar and to be quite clear, no, our eyes didn’t meet across a crowded room. It wasn’t instant love between him and I. In fact, I was a little leery of him in the beginning. Believe me, I’ve done more than just vet this guy. I’ve dug so deep that I know what he eats for breakfast. April deserves the best. I made sure the man she will be sleeping next to is safe. Knowing she will be with him intimately after I’m gone is not something I like to think about, but I’ve had to for her well-being.

But, while I’m here on this earth she will be in our bed with me. She is still mine.

April was mistaken for an ordinary pebble. Everyone overlooked her and brushed her to the side. Everyone but me. I saw the glimmer shining beneath the dirt, the neglect, the hurt. I polished her with time, love, and encouragement. Now you cannot mistake her for what she is… a diamond. The pressure she endured in her young life made her what she is today. She has a quiet strength. There is so much still lying below the surface. I’ve only made a scratch at uncovering what she is capable of, but unfortunately my time with her is coming to an end.

I don’t want to see her stall out. She has so much to offer this world. I know she does. But she isn’t there yet. So, Westin will finish what I began. He will be the one to witness how much she can truly shine. He promised he will see to it that she shines so bright I’ll be able to see it from my place in heaven. If that is where I end up. That’s still up for debate.

Besides, this has kept me busy and helped take my mind off my illness. I’ve had to call in favors from friends who looked at me like I was crazy, but after listening with tears in their eyes they all agreed to do their part.

No one knows how big this is. Nobody but me.

I’ve spent my days plotting and writing letters. Letters to guide her through all herfirstswithout me. If everything goes according to plan, she will love me even more, and if all goes correctly, she will love Westin just as much.

You think I’m crazy?

Maybe.

Only time will tell. Maybe you will even find yourself falling in love with me.

Who knows? Life is full of surprises.

CHAPTER ONE

April

“How’s David doing?” my nail stylist asks as she buffs out my nails.

I glance at David’s sister, Teresa. She nods her head, encouraging me to talk about my husband’s illness. “He’s good. Nothing gets him down. He’s still going to dialysis three times a week.”

“I’m sure he will love this color.” She taps my finger with her file.

Smiling, I agree. David loves bright, cheerful things. He’s amazing. The love of my life. Without him I don’t know where I would be.

As much as I like getting my nails done, I would rather be spending time with him. He is the one who insists I do this every week. This and shopping. It’s become Teresa and I’s scheduled girl time. He says it’s more for him than me. I drop him off at the bar a few blocks from here before meeting Teresa at the salon. He says he needs his “guy” time.

He promises me he only has one beer. I’ve stopped drilling him about it. I know it’s important to him. It gives him a chance to feel like a man, an independent man, if only for a few hours each week. That’s been the hardest thing for him. Relying on others to meet his needs. It’s the silliest thing I’ve heard, because in reality, I rely more on him.

I will wilt after he leaves. He is my sun.

“So, what shall we do with the rest of our time?” Teresa asks, pulling me out of my head.

“I need to run to the grocery store. Kaden is coming home. He eats like he’s still in high school.” My anxiety picks up just thinking about Kaden’s arrival. Him coming home in itself isn’t unusual. He tries to spend as much time with his dad as he can. What troubles me is I overheard my husband on the phone asking him to come. It’s not like David. He’s always been adamant that we all continue on with our lives as normally as possible.

Teresa swivels her chair to look at me, the lady doing her nails clicks her tongue in disapproval, but Teresa ignores her. “Kaden is coming home?”

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