Page 16 of Sugar and Skulls

I walk suit lady out and she pauses by her car. “You have less than a year, Jesse. I know this isn’t an ideal situation. Just stick it out a bit longer. Okay?”

Nodding I wave and turn back towards the trailer, steeling myself for what is to come. I notice William lurking a few trailers down. If I weren’t so damn stubborn I would break down and talk to him. I want to but, it hurts too much to see him. He is always watching me though. Still the big brother. Too bad I’m busy being a snotty little sister.

Renee is getting dressed in her slutty, work clothes when I get back inside. She tells me she is working the entire weekend. My eyes slide to Jimmy. He’s pretending to watch the game show still blaring on the television. He isn’t really watching though. I feel his interest rolling off him in waves and I want to puke. As soon as Renee leaves I’m out of here, no way am I staying. Even if I have the door back to my room.

My room looks exactly the same. I run my finger over the dusty dresser and plop down on my old bed waiting for Renee to leave so I can make my escape. I lay back staring at the ceiling. My eyes close and I think about the blood test. The one that might link me to someone in this world other than Renee. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone.

Unfortunately, I’m as stupid as they come, and I fall asleep. When I wake up the room is dark except for the light of the moon pouring in through the window. I grab my bags and tip toe through the living room, praying to Gabriel’s god that Jimmy is either gone or passed out.

“Going somewhere, Sugar?” Jimmy drawls.

“Just let me go and when the fucking suit lady comes back you can ring me. I’ll leave my number.”

“You’ve sure grown up, Sugar,” he says, standing from the couch.

It’s then I realize he’s been calling me by my street name. I’m almost one hundred percent certain that he’s not using it as an endearment. He knows. He knows I’m Sugar. I pull my bag up higher on my shoulder, wishing I had my gun. I begin to inch towards the door. “You know Jimmy this is a win, win. You guys get to keep the money you get from the state for taking care of me and I get to be by myself, no offense to your parenting skills or anything.”

He lunges for me, knocking us both to the ground. “You know how much trouble you’ve caused me,Sugar,” he spits my street name in my face as he hovers over me. He pins my arms over my head with one hand, the other tightly wraps around my neck.

Jimmy takes the entire weekend to show me just how much trouble I caused him. I fought for a long time. The carpet was rough on my cheek as it rubbed back and forth over the course material, my tears soaking into it. All I could think about was how I had let the tattooed man down. I didn’t protect what was mine. I tried but, Jimmy is so much stronger than me.

After a few hours I stopped fighting. Since the trouble I caused took not only money out of his pocket but his entire club, several of them were invited over to join in punishing me. Minutes of terror turned to hours of pain and humiliation turned to days of leaving me nothing but a broken shell.

At first I thought of a million ways to be mean to Jimmy. Each idea meaner than the previous but I’ve even given up on that. There’s not one mean thing I could do to him that would be worse than what he’s done to me.

I’m in my bed now, laying on my stomach, eyes focused on the empty wall by my bed. I heard Jimmy cleaning the place up and then the roar of his bike as he drove away. I’m not sure what day it is but surely Renee will return home at some point.

Jimmy informed me that this was just the beginning. My debt to them won’t be paid in full for the foreseeable future. Sugar is now their bitch. She is going to pay by selling their drugs and sucking their cocks. Since I’m Sugar I guess that means I’m their bitch too.

The pain in my body is the only thing that signals to my brain that I’m still alive. I feel dead inside. Dead, just like the skull I paint on my face when I become her. Empty, hollow, nothing but bones and an occasional beat of heart.

I’ve got money hidden under some tires in old man Tom’s back yard. I knew no one would steal it there. No one can get close to that dog but Tom and me. Maybe I should go get it and try to catch the bus somewhere.

Yeah, I’ll get the money. I’ll lay low at Tom’s until I feel good enough to get on that bus and then I’ll never look back. I’ve learned a lot from Big Dan. Enough that maybe I can open my own shop somewhere. Somewhere far away from here.

What if I go somewhere new and the same thing happens? This seems to be a pattern in my life. I must have something tattooed across my forehead that only pricks can see. Like a neon flashing sign that flashes, all pricks welcome.

Doesn’t matter I guess. I couldn’t protect what was mine, so they took it. I’m tired of being mean. Tired of being me. Tired of…

Someone is knocking again. They’ve been knocking off and on for hours. I wish they would stop.

I just need to get the money and lay low in Tom’s camper for a while.

Don’t think about it.Don’t you fucking think about it.It’s fine. I need to get out of here before Renee comes home or worse, Jimmy comes back. I shift my head a tiny bit to see what time of day it is. It’s dark. Perfect. No one can see me. Not like this.

I drag myself up, grab my shorts and t-shirt from the floor, throw them on and walk out. I don’t take anything with me, not even my shoes. Tom’s house is only a few minutes away. Something trickles down my leg, but I have to keep going. I have to get away from Renee’s.

Someone pulls up beside me. I ignore them and continue to limp along, cutting through the empty lot so they can’t follow me with their car.Please go away. Please go away.

I stop when I hear William’s voice. “I found her. She’s in the lot to the north of Emerson trailer park. Yeah, come quick.” Heavy boot sounds stomp behind me. I try to hurry away but I trip and fall onto the hard, dusty ground. I’m crawling behind a bush to hide when he catches up to me. “Jess,” he drops to the ground in front of me. I curl up in a ball, hiding my face from him.

Someone else kneels beside me. It’s Penny. She puts her arm around me, and I lean into her, rubbing my hand over her swollen belly like I saw William do the other day. His baby is in there, all protected and shit. I should give my money to them so they can get the fuck out of here and raise this sweet little thing somewhere else. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t have a chance anymore. I didn’t protect what was mine. These two have a future. I know William will make a great daddy. He will. And, even though I hate to admit it, Penny will make a great mother.

William stands and yells to someone. “Over here, hurry.” Then he drops back beside me. “Jesse, look at me, Jess,” he pleads. I don’t. He will see what they took from me. “Jesus Christ,” he whispers.

Penny runs her hand over mine and holds me tight to her. Yeah, she will make a fantastic mother. This little peanut is a lucky little guy or girl. William and Penny will protect them from the pricks. For the first time my heart aches to belong to someone.

I hear more boots stomping towards us, so I push myself up off the ground quickly. I need to get to Tom’s, I haven’t fed and watered the dog in I don’t know how many days. He’s probably starving.

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