Page 84 of Sugar and Skulls

I jump a foot as I near the window. Something is hitting the glass.

Peeking out I see Raffe down below. He smiles when he sees me and gestures for me to join him. Giggling I pull on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I should have known my guys wouldn’t disappoint me.

Tiptoeing I make my way out the backdoor. He’s waiting for me on the patio. I take the seat next to him. “Where’s Dirk?” I ask, looking around.

“He’ll be here shortly.” He tucks my hair behind my ear, his eyes taking me in. “I have something I need to talk to you about before he gets here.”

I shift nervously. “Okay.”

He looks away. “This wasn’t something I planned to do on your birthday. You know I would never purposely hurt you right?”

Raffe raises his gaze to meet mine. Now I am nervous. “Yes. What is it, Raffe? Your scarring me.”

He takes my hand in his. “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you these past few months, but I think it’s time for me to step away and let you and Dirk explore your relationship without me.”

A burning pain starts to throb right where my heart used to be. “What? No. No. Raffe, now that we are free to start something more, you are giving up before we even begin?”

“Do you love me?” he asks, calmly.

“Yes. You know I do.”

“Do you love Dirk?”

I turn away from him. “Yes.”

He grabs my face turning me so he can look into my eyes. “You see? It’s different. You felt something else entirely even though the question was exactly the same.

“But, I do love you,” I say quietly, a tear slipping down my cheek.

His bright blue eyes bore into me. “And, I love you. That will never change but our love is one of friendship. It’s not the same as what you feel for Dirk.”

I try to pull my face away from him, but he won’t allow it.

“I’m not mad, Jesse. I’m so fucking happy for both of you. But, it can’t include me. I’m not going to take this to the next level, and have it spoil what I think could be an incredibly special relationship between the two of you.”

“Dirk loves you, Raffe. How could you spoil it?” I ask with a tad bit of sass. I’m angry. He isn’t even giving us a chance.

He sighs letting go of me. “Today when I saw you two together it woke me up. You need Dirk and Dirk needs you. I don’t fit into that, Jesse. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to either of you. And, once we take the next step, it will eat at him. He will always see you and I together, he won’t be able to erase it from his mind.”

Raffe puts his arm around me. “Remember when you told me that when I saw a fellow survivor in you that I was finally seeing myself?”

I nod, brushing tears away from cheeks.

“I realize that I deserve a lot more than I’ve let myself have. I deserve the kind of love I see between the two of you. It’s okay to let me go. It’s what I want. Don’t feel bad about it. I don’t. I’ve had a blast with the two of you. It’s been nice having love with no sex. Do you know what I mean?”

Thinking about it, I trace invisible circles on his jeans. I do know what he means. “I think so.” I let my eyes connect with his. “When I first met you and you smiled at me, I thought how nice it was. It didn’t make my shackles come up. Is that what you mean?”

“Yeah, something like that. People have always looked at me and never saw beneath my devilishly good looks,” he jokes. “You and Dirk will always…” He shakes me. “Always, be my very best friends.” He looks longingly out at the lake. “And, maybe someday I’ll find someone who looks at me as if nothing else in the world exists.”

We sit quietly for a few minutes.

“You know that’s how you look at each other, yeah?”

I shrug my shoulders.

“Do you know that today was the first time I’ve heard Dirk laugh. I mean I’ve heard him laugh at people for being stupid, he’s laughed at dirty jokes but today he laughed because he was free. He’s free with you, Jesse. Dirk feels safe with you, safe enough to step out from behind all that dark ink he has shielded himself with.”

Dirk told us about his little sister going missing. He told us that was the day he turned mean and vowed to use it to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves.

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